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When I met his eyes again, his were shiny with tears. “I’d hoped there was another way. I don’t really see one, though.”
“Kota,” I whispered. No wonder he hadn’t slept at all, staying up all night to come up with solutions that would mean I could stay. Maybe the reason why he couldn’t think of an answer was because he was so tired. If I could just give him some hope, maybe he’d sleep and a solution will come to him. “We don’t know what will happen but I prefer to stay. I want to.”
“I wish we could put it off until we figured out another way,” he said. He pressed his warm palm to my cheek. “Sang, you’ve never been a burden, but we have to be prepared to let things change if that’s the right answer. Maybe we’re making too much out of it, making it harder on ourselves. One of these days, we’ll look back on how silly we were worrying about staying together when it would have been easier to get you into a safe place. Just because you start off with another team, doesn’t have to mean you’ll never come back.”
I hadn’t known I could switch teams like that. Or perhaps he meant when we were older, we’d be able to move around easier, not having to worry about parents and what they thought.
He bent down, kissing my forehead, staying close, breathing against my skin. I inhaled the spice scent that warmed me through, usually such a comfort to me when I was afraid.
“We can’t worry about the future,” I said to him quietly, something Mr. Blackbourne said often. We both needed some hope, or we’d be defeated before we got started. “We can’t play a what-if game and make guesses. We’ll have to deal with it as we face it. It’s still my decision to make ultimately. I don’t see how being with another team would be easier when I’d be bringing my own problems to them. I’d still have to leave Ashley Waters to get away from Hendricks and the others. That’s not going to be easy for anyone. I bet there’s answers weren’t not seeing. We’re too close to the situation to look at the big picture. Maybe the Academy will help us go over all our options, and it won’t mean me leaving at all.”
I could almost hear him thinking in the silence around us. He swallowed heavily and nodded against my forehead. “You’re probably right. Even you leaving might not be so easy. I know it’s your choice. Maybe I am stressing myself out too much.” He kissed my forehead again and then backed away, opening the door before he paused. “I’m going to make a coffee. Would you like one of yours? You haven’t had one yet.”
“Sure,” I said, although I didn’t really want coffee, or anything else.
Kota left me alone in the bathroom, giving me a few minutes to think and calm down.
While before I’d been going over and over what to say to the Academy about what I wanted, I hadn’t stopped to consider the other side. Kota was right to contemplate what options the Academy might give me. What would they think of a girl who was desperate to stay with a group that was in the middle of danger? Would they think I was crazy and unable to make good decisions? I hadn’t considered other options because I was so sure staying with them was the solution.
As I finally left the bathroom, I took the hair bands with me. I needed to actually believe what I’d said to Kota. I had to believe there was a solution that would mean I could stay with them.
Though if that was true, why did I feel weighed down with doubts?
GIFT MOUNTAIN
When I got back to the living room, I sat down at Erica’s feet, facing the television as the muted Christmas movie played. Erica brushed my hair and then braided it just like Jessica’s as the others were still distracted with the gifts and their guessing.
I tried desperately to drown out the thoughts in my head. I drank the coffee Kota had fetched for me and held onto the bottle as Erica twisted and braided my hair.
“Okay,” Erica said, patting the top of my head. “You’re an archeress, too.”
I suddenly shivered, coming out of my thoughts and feeling awkward at resting at her legs.
What was wrong with me? Why was I so uncomfortable?
“Are you cold?” Erica asked.
“Hey, Sang?” Luke called before I could answer her. They’d finished their pyramid and now they were making forts out of the rest of the gifts. He and Victor were behind one by the fireplace. He stacked a smaller box on top of their wall, making it slightly higher. “Come get behind my fort. Quick.”
“No, come over here,” Gabriel said. He and Nathan were crouched behind a wall of boxes closer to the tree. Nathan was trying to balance boxes on top of each other though they were swaying dangerously.
“You’re going to break all those presents,” North said as he came out from the kitchen. He was about to sit on the couch when the doorbell rang. “About time.” He straightened and headed to the door.
I stayed on the floor, trying to get the feeling inside of me to ease; I wasn’t in the mood to play fort.
Erica got up to meet Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green at the door so, in an effort to get my feelings under control, I crawled up to where Erica had been sitting on the couch. I wanted my back against something solid and to be sitting properly when the others came into the room. I pulled my knees up to my chest, waiting nervously.
Dr. Green arrived first, wearing jeans and a dark yellow T-shirt, with a faded design of white-capped mountains on the front. He shrugged off a gray jacket and dropped it on the arm of the couch. He winked at me quickly and then surveyed the forts. “Hey,” he said. “Where’s my fort?”
“Fuck the forts,” Gabriel said, accidentally dropping one he was trying to balance on the pile. He picked it up carefully and examined it for damage. “We didn’t have ammo yet, anyway.”
“They’re all in the boxes,” Nathan said. “Can we open these yet or what?”
“Gotta wait for the stragglers,” Dr. Green said. He sat down cross-legged near the outside of Luke’s fort. He picked up one of the top boxes. “You all play a dangerous game with these. How do you know I didn’t get you all delicate glass figurines for Christmas?”
“I hope mine’s a candy jar if it’s glass,” Luke said.
Gabriel started up the guessing game again and even Dr. Green joined in, although his guesses were always random, things like “dinosaur” or “San Diego”.
Sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder with the others as they took down their fort walls, it was like a group of brothers sitting together. I wished Dr. Green got more time off from the hospital to be around. He was a lot of fun.
Erica came in with a potted dark green holly plant. “Isn’t this lovely?” she said. “I’m going to put it on the table.”
Mr. Blackbourne followed behind her. He wore the dark gray slacks and the white shirt, but today he had on a gray sweater over the shirt. No tie. The collar was unbuttoned, giving him a more casual look.
It was one of the rare moments when I saw the nineteen-year-old that he was. Young, with a strong energy that came from within. He was perfect, as always, with the black-rimmed glasses over the steel eyes, moving into the room smoothly, always with his shoulders back and his head high.
I didn’t want to tattle on Kota and his feelings, but I was rattled after our conversation and wished I could talk to Mr. Blackbourne right then. I wanted to ask him again about this plan, looking for some validation that what we were considering was the right thing.
I also wanted him to sit next to me. I wasn’t sure I could last through opening gifts without betraying my dark thoughts unless I felt him beside me. I needed to steal some of his confidence that we’d stay together.
Erica paused on her way to the dining room to turn around and plant a delicate kiss on his cheek. “You’re such a sweetheart,” she said. “So thoughtful.”
“You’re welcome,” he said as his cheeks turned a shade of pink.
He seemed happy, relaxed. It wasn’t right to worry anyone else today. Kota was already stressed, but maybe he was wrong. But I had to believe what Mr. Blackbourne and the others said, that there was an answer out there somewhere, even if we couldn’t see it yet.
Don’t let the doubt overshadow today, I repeated to myself, and refocused on the boys who seemed so happy, capturing the Christmas spirit. They began to settle down around the tree.
Mr. Blackbourne sat next to me on the couch as though he’d heard my silent wish that he sit with me. I kept my eyes on the boys as they started reading tags and sorted the gifts into piles.
He watched quietly with me, but after a few minutes, he leaned ever so slightly, his arm against mine, drawing my attention.
“Merry Christmas, Miss Sorenson,” he whispered, his eyes still on the gifts.
Heat filled my cheeks. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Blackbourne.”
???
It took several more minutes before everyone finally settled down. North sat on the other side of Mr. Blackbourne, arms crossed but aware and watching.
Silas, Kota, and Erica sat in beanbag chairs they’d brought in while Jessica sat in her pink and purple one she’d dragged from her bedroom. The others spread out on the floor, making a circle around the tree, leaving some space between them and the tree.
Luke and Dr. Green passed around the gifts one by one. It took a good ten minutes and the pile at my feet grew.
And grew.
