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He walked over to the window and pulled back the heavy curtains. Snow, for as far as the eye could see.
In years gone by, a view like this would have had Douglas and him shrieking with pleasure. Two snowmen would be built before a single Christmas present was opened.
The thought was like a shard of ice going through his heart. He spun on his heels. It was time. No matter how much he tried to ignore it – it was time.
The door handle was icy cold as he touched it but he pulled the door open and started striding down the corridor. He couldn’t think about this for a second longer. Thinking only gave him reasons not to do it.
His footsteps faltered as he neared the door to Douglas’s room. He closed his eyes and kept walking, grabbing the handle and pushing the door wide open.
The icy blast hit him instantly.
It was a shock to the system. The window in Douglas’s room was slightly ajar, leaving a small trail of snow on the inside window ledge.
But it was his eyes that were working overtime. Associations were sparking inside his brain like fireworks. Douglas’s favourite books lying on the floor next to the bed. His train set. His desk. A photo of them together on top of the chest of drawers. A pair of battered slippers.
Every sight made him wince. Every sight turned his stomach over a little more. The board games they’d played together. Douglas had been a cheater. He didn’t like to lose.
The pale blue bedspread that Douglas had picked all by himself. He sucked in a breath and his body tensed. Last time he’d seen his brother he’d been lying in this bed, under that cover. His frail, pale body withering away before his eyes.
The little boy, who had boundless energy and enthusiasm had had the life slowly drained out of him. His condition had worsened quickly. He couldn’t eat. His muscles wasted and he spent most of his time sleeping.
And then he went to sleep one final time.
The chill that spread over Andrew’s body was nothing to do with the room temperature. His legs buckled and he collapsed on the corner of the bed.
It took a few seconds for his breathing to settle and his heart to steady in his chest. Tears sprang into his eyes. His hand brushed over the bed cover. “I’m sorry, Douglas. I should have come long before this. But I just couldn’t. I miss you. I miss you every day.”
He let the words hang in the air, knowing there was no one to hear them but him. They echoed around the icy room.
He took a deep breath. He was here. It had taken him all this time to get here, so he had to use his time well.
“I’ve brought someone here. Her name is Juliette. She’s nice. You’d like her – at least I think you would. It’s hard thinking of you as a grown-up. Because in my head, as I’ve grown up I’ve thought about you growing up with me. I haven’t been doing it alone. I’m not designed that way. I can’t think about you as being eight. Because that means you’re not here anymore. Not with me.” He pressed his hand to his chest as he stared out of the window. Across the view that his brother must have looked at every day when he was sick.
“I think I brought Juliette with me because I didn’t want to come back myself. I couldn’t come back myself. And now that I’m here…I just don’t know. She’s beautiful. She’s intelligent.” He smiled. “You’d like her because she fights with me. Keeps me in my place.” He took another look around. “And she seems to love this place. We’re filming this crazy TV show about houses that are haunted. You know what I think of that. Mum still doesn’t know that we used to sneak down and open all the doors at night. Or that we used to put all the pans on top of the stove.” He shook his head. “But Juliette doesn’t look at this place and see it the way I do. She doesn’t see the Christmases lost. She doesn’t see the money pit that I do. She thinks it’s wonderful. She thinks I should hire it out for TV dramas or weddings. Can you imagine anyone wanting to get married here?”
Even as he said the words out loud it didn’t seem quite so ridiculous as before. It might even be sensible.
He touched the bed again and a whole wave of old emotions reignited.
He might be thirty, but right now he felt twelve again. The twelve year old who’d just been told his eight-year-old brother had died.
For a second he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t inhale. There was a weight pressing down on his chest. A tear slid down his cheek.
He hadn’t cried. He hadn’t allowed himself to cry. His father had told him to keep his chin up. It was expected. So, he had.
He stood up, trying to release the pressure on his chest. His hand caught the dressing gown hanging on the back of the door. He hadn’t even realised it was still there.
Douglas had loved this dressing gown. Spiderman was sewn on the back and across the front pockets. He grabbed it from the hook and pressed it into his chest and face. There was no smell. Nothing of Douglas left. But there was a bump in the pocket.
He reached in and pulled something out. It was a ring. He turned it over in his hands. His mother’s engagement ring. He hadn’t seen this in years. With her increasing dementia he just presumed that she’d lost it someplace.
It was a ring of its time. Tremendously old-fashioned but elegant. A large dark blue sapphire surrounded by diamonds. Douglas had loved this ring. He’d used to lie with his head on his mother’s lap and spin the ring around her finger. He could spend hours doing that – especially when he was sick.
Andrew shook his head. He couldn’t believe that after all this time, this ring was here. Inside his brother’s dressing gown. He held it in the palm of his hand watching the dim light in the room glint off it.
It made him smile. Suddenly the grief and guilt pressing down on his shoulders started to ease. He still loved Douglas with his whole heart. He always would. He’d spent his happiest years with his brother, in this house.
He’d let Garnock Hall become a relic. An unloved memory of the distant past. It had become an empty museum. There was no love here. There was room for only ghosts.
White flakes of snow started to drift across the room, floating in on a gust of wind. One landed on his hand next to the ring and melted quickly. He stood up and pushed the ring in his pocket.
There was a rustle by the door. He turned. Juliette. Her face was pale in the dim light. “Andrew?” she whispered. “Are you all right?”
Her foot hesitated at the door. She was wearing a pair of pyjamas that she must have found in a drawer somewhere, at least three pairs of her socks and her winter coat again. It was clear she didn’t want to step in here for fear of his reaction.
“Juliette.” He said her voice with regret and a surge of shame. He’d just spoken about her to Douglas. He’d been admitting how he felt about her. If any of that were true, maybe it was time to take the next step.
He held out his hand towards her. “Come in.”
He could tell she was still wary. He could see her sucking in a deep breath. So he moved closer, taking his hand in hers and bringing her into the room.
“I guess it’s time,” he said sadly.
“Time for what?” Her eyes were wide. She had no idea where this was going.
“Time to take the next step,” he said softly. He moved away, opened a cupboard and picked out some flat pack boxes. They’d always been there. Always been waiting.
She was watching him with her deep brown eyes and he hated the fact she looked too worried to speak.
He took a deep breath and lifted his hand. “This room is tired. It’s dated. It’s old. And it’s full of things that are now just relics of the past. I’ve spent the last twenty years avoiding coming in here.” He looked around, “An
d for what?” He shook his head. “My mum couldn’t move on. She lost a child. I lost a brother. But most of my memories of Douglas are good. Better than good.” He pressed his hand to his heart. “He still lives. He lives in here, in me. I just can’t let him go.” His voice cracked and Juliette moved, her arms around him in a few seconds.
“Oh Andrew.” She lifted her hands and ran them through his hair. “You shared some years with a wonderful brother. You will always love him. You will always remember him. But you’ve got to move on. And keeping a bedroom as a relic isn’t letting you do that. It’s had you avoiding your family home for the last twenty years.” She stepped back and took his hand in hers. “But you know that now, and it’s time for that to stop.” Their gazes collided again. He could see her empathy, her understanding. “However you want to do this, I’m here for you, Andrew.”
Acceptance. Understanding. And maybe love. Those were the things that were circulating through the cold air in this room.
One thing was crystal clear. He couldn’t have reached this point without Juliette. The strength of her emotions was overwhelming. Matching every one of his. He’d never felt like this about anyone before.
Love. This was what it felt like. This was how it was meant to be.
The next hour would be the hardest in his life. But he’d found the person to stand by his side.
He picked up the photo of him and Douglas together and turned it around to face her. He couldn’t help but smile. Douglas had always had that effect on him. “I still miss you, little guy, but it’s time for some changes around here.” He ran his hand over the wallpaper. “I’m hoping you won’t mind. I guess you outgrew this a few years ago.”
