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“I could, but I won’t. He wouldn’t listen to me, and it would only insert me in the middle of his ugly business, when I’d much rather be very far away from it. I hope you’ll forgive me for that, but I’m being honest here.”
“Thank you for coming,” I said. “I understand you position.”
He stood up and looked around like he’d stepped in something disgusting. We shook hands again, and he left, not looking back.
Lori leaned back in her chair and watched me carefully. “Thanks for trying,” I said.
“Are you okay? You look like garbage.”
I laughed, unable to help myself. “I’m fine.”
“Seriously. You haven’t shaved and I think you’re still wearing the same clothes from yesterday.”
“I’m fine,” I said again. “How as work? Baker being good?”
“Dr. Baker’s fine.” She leaned toward me. “I don’t want you to unravel over this. It doesn’t have to be over.”
“Lori,” I said, “please, we can move on.”
“I can’t.” Her eyes were hard, her tone rough, and god, I wanted her. I loved that passion, and the way she looked at me, the way she walked, everything about her. I wanted her taste again, but I didn’t know how this could end well between us. Sooner or later, I’d have to leave, and I couldn’t uproot her in the middle of her residency.
She was stuck here, and I was going to have to leave.
“I should go.” I put away my stuff.
“You’re really going to walk away?” She sounded hurt, like I was doing this to spite her.
I wished I could explain. “It’s better this way,” I said. “Believe me.”
“I don’t think you have any clue. I think you’re being a coward.”
I felt a surge of anger. “I’m not a coward.”
“Then why are you running away?”
“Because I’m a goddamn surgeon,” I said, keeping my voice quiet, but unable to keep the heat from it. “I’m not a lawyer. I’m not a detective. I can’t prove that they’re cheating me, and I can’t prove that Tippett is behind it all. I can’t do a goddamn thing. All I know is surgery.”
“You can try.”
“I can, and when I fail, it’ll only hurt more. Why do you want to do that to yourself?”
“It’s not for me,” she said, but she looked away, and I knew that was a lie.
“I’m sorry, Lori. Go learn from Dr. Baker. You’re going to be a great surgeon. Hell, I think you already are.”
And I left. I hated myself with every single step, and I felt sick the further away from her I got, but I knew I shouldn’t turn back. I couldn’t look over my shoulder. If I did, I’d turn into a pillar of salt—and I’d curse her on top of it.
I rode the escalator down, eyes locked on the grainy metal slats beneath my feet, and began to mentally estimate how much alcohol I had at home—and how much more I needed to get so drunk I couldn’t think anymore.
25
Lori
The hospital looked gray.
I didn’t notice it before, when Piers was around. I think I was too busy. But Westview was almost entirely gray: the walls, the floors, the accent colors, all shades of gray. Not fifty of them, but hundreds, maybe thousands.
I drifted through the day after meeting with Piers in that cafe like I was a raft on a still lake.
“You look depressed,” Milo said on our lunch break. We sat out in the courtyard. Greg, Omar, and John were in a tight huddle over a case study Dr. Baker had assigned earlier that morning, idly eating while discussing the best course of action, but Milo seemed uninterested in the whole exercise, and I couldn’t bring myself to care about much of anything.
“Thanks,” I said. “That’s nice.”
He shrugged like he wasn’t trying to be nice. “I’m guessing because Dr. Hood was suspended.” He frowned a little. “Was he really that amazing?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Dr. Baker’s good too, you know.”
“Dr. Baker’s pedestrian. I mean, he’s skilled enough, but Dr. Hood was on a whole different level.”
Milo gave me an odd look. “You really liked him. I thought he was an asshole.”
“He was,” I said. “But he was also a very good teacher.”
And a good kisser. And his hands felt amazing wrapped in my hair.
“Baker’s probably a better teacher than he is a surgeon. I mean, he’s got way more experience than Dr. Hood did.”
“If you’re trying to cheer me up, you’re doing a shitty job.”
He laughed a little and shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s just, you look so fucking depressed, it’s hard not to say something, you know?”
I glared at him. “Maybe you need to try more.”
“Nah. Look, if Dr. Hood is so good, they’ll bring him back. And if they don’t, he’ll land somewhere else. So maybe you can go with him, right?”
The thought hadn’t occurred to me before. This whole time, I was thinking like this was the end of the line—if Piers was gone from the hospital, then I’d never be able to work with him again.
