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I'm too shocked to answer.
"That's the real reason he's not here tonight, isn't it? He's not ill. Stop pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't!"
"It isn't the same thing at all!"
"You're so blind. You see what you want to see." She glares at me."Do you know what it is to be powerless? Helpless? No, of course not. You're the great Gemma Doyle. You hold all the power, don't you?" We stand there, staring each other down, neither saying a word. She has no right to attack me this way. I was only trying to help. At the moment, I can only think that I never want to see Felicity again.
Without another word, I start down the stairs.
"Yes, go on. Leave. You're always coming and going. The rest of us are stuck here. Do you think he'd still love you if he knew who you are? He doesn't really care--only when it suits him."
For a moment, I do not know whether she means Simon or my father. I walk away, leaving Felicity standing in the shadows at the top of the stairs.
The ball is over. The floor is a mess. Gathering coats, yawning goodnights, the ballgoers step across the detritus on the floor--confetti, crumbs, and forgotten dance cards, the withered flower petals. Some of the gentlemen are red-nosed and tipsy. They shake Mrs. Worthington's hand with too much ardor, their voices too loud. Their wives pull them along with a polite but firm "Our carriage is waiting, Mr. Johnson." Others follow. Some leave with the flush of new love on their dreamy faces; others wear their dashed hopes and broken hearts in downcast eyes and trembling smiles.
Percival asks if he may call on us at home sometime. I do not see Simon. It would seem the Middletons have gone. He's left without saying goodbye.
I've made a mess of everything--Kartik, Simon, Felicity, Father. Merry Christmas. God bless us, every one.
But I have seen the Temple in a vision.
I only wish I had someone to tell.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
TWO MISERABLE, LONELY DAYS PASS BEFORE I FIND the courage to call on Felicity, under the pretext of returning a book.
"I shall inquire whether she is at home, miss," Shames, the butler, says, taking my grandmother's card, on which I have added my name in neat script. In a moment he returns my card to me--alone."I am sorry, miss. It seems Miss Worthington has gone out after all."
On the walk, I turn back. Looking up, I see her face at the window. She immediately ducks behind the curtain. She is home and has chosen to snub me.
Ann comes out to me at the carriage. "I am sorry, Gemma. I'm sure she doesn't mean it. You know how she can be."
"That doesn't excuse it," I say. Ann seems agitated about more than this."What is the matter?"
"I've received a note from my cousin. Someone's made inquiries about my claims to be a relation of the Duke of Chesterfield. Gemma, I'll be found out."
"You won't be found out."
"I will! Once the Worthingtons know who I am and that I've deceived them . . . oh, Gemma. I'm done for."
"Don't tell Mrs. Worthington about the note."
"She's already so very cross about the dress. I overheard her telling Felicity it was as good as ruined now that it's been let out for me. I shouldn't have let her talk me into it. And now . . . I'll be ruined forever, Gemma." Ann is nearly ill with her fear and worry.
"We'll remedy it," I say, though I have no idea how. Up at the window, I see Felicity again. So much to remedy. "Would you give Felicity a message for me?"
"Certainly," Ann moans."If I am still here to give it." "Would you tell her that I've seen the Temple. I saw it in a vision the night of the ball."
"You did?"
"The three girls in white showed me the way. Tell her whenever she's ready, we'll go back."
"I shall," Ann swears. "Gemma . . ." Not again. I cannot help her now."You won't tell Tom about all of this, will you?"
If he finds out, I don't know whom he'll hate more for the deception, Ann or me."Your secret's safe."
I can't bear to return home. Father's deteriorating rapidly, crying out for laudanum or the pipe, some opiate to take away his pain. Tom sits outside Father's door, his long arms resting on the tops of his bent knees. He is unshaven and there are dark circles beneath his eyes.
