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He’d only ever felt like this a couple of times in his life. When he’d found his mother’s dead body, and when Pierre Fortin had died. He’d vowed to himself he’d never let anyone close enough to hurt him again.
But this caught him unawares, blindsiding him.
The grief he felt for this tiny unborn child told him he’d been lying to himself for a long time. He’d blocked out the thought of children, not because of his own miserable upbringing, but because of the potential pain of losing someone again.
He might have believed he’d crushed the dream of a family. But it had remained, like a little kernel inside him. Immune to his cynicism. Immune to his attempts to control his life by creating so much wealth and success that he would never feel at the mercy of his environment again.
Family. Nessa had been pregnant with his child, and she’d almost died under those horses’ hooves. He felt clammy at the thought of how close she’d come to serious injury. She’d been pregnant with his child because of his lack of care in protecting them both. She was his family now, in spite of the loss of the baby.
The doctor’s words came back: there’s no reason why she can’t get pregnant again.
There, on the steps of the hospital, Luc was aware of his whole world view changing. The vision he’d always had for his life and legacy had been far too narrow. He could see that now.
Everything had just changed in an instant and he knew there was only one way forward.
* * *
Nessa was one big throbbing ache that radiated out from her back and all over her body, but most acutely in her womb. The place where her baby had been. A baby she hadn’t even been aware of.
It was a particularly cruel and unusual thing to be told you’re pregnant, and, in the same breath, that you’re not.
How could she be feeling so much for something that had been so ephemeral? Because it was Luc’s. And because you do want the fairy tale. And because as soon as the doctor told you you’d been pregnant, you pictured a small child with dark hair. A child who would grow up secure and loved
and who would take all of that dark cynicism out of his eyes. A child who would take away the terror you’ve always felt at the thought of your world collapsing around you again...
Nessa squeezed her eyes shut at the surge of emotion that gripped her. She felt a tear leak out. But before she could wipe it away there was the sound of the door, and her heart clenched because she knew instantly who it was.
‘Nessa.’
She quickly dashed the tear away, keeping her face turned towards the window. When she felt slightly more composed she opened her eyes and turned her head. And she knew straight away that he knew. The doctor had told him.
His suit was crumpled, tie undone, shirt open at the top. He came in and stood near the bed, eyes so dark that Nessa felt as if she might drown in them.
‘I didn’t know about the baby,’ she said, hating the defensive tone in her voice.
‘I know.’
The emotional turmoil of the past few hours and weeks and Luc’s inscrutability made Nessa lash out. ‘Do you? Are you sure I didn’t do it on purpose to try and trap you?’
Something fleeting and pained crossed Luc’s face but Nessa felt no triumph to have pierced that impenetrable wall. ‘Once,’ he admitted, ‘I might have suspected such a thing but I know you now.’
He did. She’d let him right into the heart of her. And she resisted that now even though it was far too late. ‘No, you don’t. Not really. You have no idea what I want.’
Luc sat down on a chair near the head of the bed and sat forward. Suddenly he was too close.
‘What do you want, Nessa?’
You, came the automatic response. She looked away from that hard-boned face. ‘I want you to leave, Luc. My brother is coming from Dublin to help take me home first thing tomorrow.’
She heard a curse and movement and the bed dipped as Luc sat down. Nessa couldn’t move without extreme pain so she was trapped. She glared at him, seizing on as much anger and pain as she could to protect herself.
He looked fierce. ‘We just lost a baby, Nessa. We need to talk about this.’
More pain gripped her. ‘I lost a baby, Luc. Don’t try to pretend you would have ever welcomed the news.’
He stood up, eyes burning. ‘What are you saying? That you would have never told me?’
Nessa was taken aback. ‘I don’t know. I didn’t have to make that decision.’
