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“I thought they were going to kill him.” Her voice was shaky with relief.
A piece of my heart dissolved into bits and pieces, leaving an empty ache behind. “But they didn’t.”
“No.” She traced the edges of her iPod. “I know it was because of you. You always know what to do.”
A lump formed in the back of my throat. If only that were the truth. God, sometimes it felt like I was stranded on a raft at sea. Today was one of those days.
“You really love him, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
My eyes burned. “What’s it like?”
Her gaze met mine, her brows knitting. “What do you mean?”
“To be in love.”
“But—” She blinked, glancing at my left hand.
Understanding hit me. Of course she would think I was in love. I was a romantic at heart and I hadn’t even been able to lie to the world, let alone myself. I wasn’t a girl to have casual sex and everyone knew it.
I twisted the ring on my finger, and a bitter laugh escaped. “I didn’t even know his name, Adriana—don’t know his name.”
“Then why did you leave?” She frowned. “I thought you’d met him somewhere, fell in love, and went to be with him.”
Guilt pierced my chest. I was a terrible sister. I didn’t confide in her and I’d lusted after her fiancé. If I died before getting to Confession I was surely going to Hell.
I averted my gaze. “You know that little musical carousel I used to play over and over when we were younger?”
“Yeah, it’s pink.”
I smiled. “Yeah. Well, Nonno gave it to me for Christmas one year, if you remember. Since then, I’d always wanted to see a carousel in real life. A silly childhood dream, I guess. But it never happened . . . you know how busy Papà is.” I cleared my throat. “Anyway, that night I left . . . I guess I couldn’t take the expectations. Everything felt like too much. Oscar Perez, and the idea that someone like him would be my future. Having to force a smile. Squeezing myself into this person I didn’t think I could be anymore. It started all at once; my lungs closed up and I couldn’t breathe. All I believed at that moment was that if I didn’t get out of the house, I was going to die. The carousel just sat there on my dresser, taunting me with fanciful dreams. I wanted one to come true, even as trivial as it was. So I snuck out, took the bus—”
Her eyes widened, and I laughed.
“I didn’t even stop to think that it was winter and the carnival wouldn’t be there. I guessed I imagined the carousel would be dusted with a little snow. Anyway, he was a security guard at a mall nearby and stopped to see why I was standing in an empty parking lot alone. And I don’t know . . . it just happened from there. I told him I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t have much money or a place to stay, and he took me to his apartment to figure something out.”
“He was probably trying to get laid,” Adriana muttered.
I laughed. “Maybe. Though, he seemed nice and genuine. He was charming, and I liked him . . . but I never loved him.”
Silence settled in the space between us, and a heavy weight had drifted off my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed to share that with somebody until now.
“I’ll be your Maid of Honor,” she said quietly.
“Thank God.” I put a hand on my chest in relief. “Otherwise I was going to have to ask Sophia, and can you imagine that speech?”
Her laugh was light before drifting off. “I have a doctor’s appointment today.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I smiled. “I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt.”
She swallowed. “Elena, I was terrified they were going to kill him if they found out . . .” I knew she was trying to explain the reason she’d drunk so much. “And now I’m even more scared I’ve hurt the baby.”
“It’ll be okay.” I gave a piece of her hair a tug. “An Abelli is stronger than all that. Can you imagine hurting Tony with a few shots of vodka?”
