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I took in a deep breath and walked down the hall to the room where my father was being kept. It was narrow, with a large window, and had banks of telemetry surrounding him. There was a quiet beep-beep-beep from one machine and he was receiving oxygen through a thin plastic tube with a cannula that threaded around his nose. At least he didn’t need a mask.
His eyes were closed, his bed was raised slightly, and one arm had a blood pressure cuff on it. A thick white bandage circled his head. He looked so fragile and so unlike the father of my memories, strong and firm, in charge of everything.
I went to the side of the bed and took his hand in mine.
“Hi, Daddy,” I said and leaned over, kissing him on the cheek. “It’s me, Kate.”
I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back, but his eyes remained closed and I wondered if he was still too sedated to speak.
“Drake and Elaine and I are here,” I said, tears starting in my eyes once more. “We have a new doula – nurse named Karen who's looking after Sophie for us. We’ve been waiting for you to come out of surgery. The surgeon told us that everything went well, and now all you have to do is recover and regain your strength.”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks, and stood there, watching him, surrounded by machines and the sound of oxygen. If that was all I could do, I was happy. I checked the clock on the wall, and saw that I’d already been there for three minutes.
“We’re only allowed to stay for five minutes at a time, so I have to go, but I wanted you to know,” I said and then had to stop, my throat constricting. “I wanted you to know that I love you,” I said, tears spilling down my cheeks once more. “You’ve been a wonderful father.”
That was all I could say, as I started to cry in earnest at that, squeezing his hand and wanting him to know how I felt.
His face changed slightly, almost like a smile and his lips moved. I couldn’t hear what he was trying to say, so I leaned closer, my ear next to him.
“I love you,” I think I heard him say. Then, “Be happy.”
I leaned down and kissed his cheek once more. “I’ll try,” I said. “I am happy.”
Of course, that made me think of how unhappy I’d been for the past weeks after the attack and after I came out of the hospital. How anxious I’d been, how tired and how afraid I was of every little thing going wrong. Now, here I was in the ICU with my father, who could have died. Who still could die…
I realized at that moment how lucky I was. How much love I had – from my father, from Drake, and now, from Sophie. My heart filled up with so much emotion at that moment that I sobbed out loud. My father squeezed my hand once more and I tried to hold it in, not wanting to lose control in front of him. Finally, I checked the clock once more and realized I had overstayed my five minutes.
“I have to go,” I said and squeezed his hand once more. “I’ll be back later.”
I leaned down and kissed his cheek once more and let go of his hand, wiping my eyes on the sleeves of my sweater, trying to get hold over my emotions.
I left the room and was met by Drake, who pulled me immediately into his arms.
“Oh, Katie,” he whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek and neck. Elaine touched my arm and went past us into the room. Drake led me back to the small alcove and we stood in each other’s arms while I recovered my composure.
“I spoke with the nurse,” Drake said and pulled back, wiping my cheeks with the backs of his fingers. “She said your father is doing quite well, all things considered. We can go home and they’ll call us if anything happens in the night.”
“I don’t want to leave,” I said and looked into Drake’s eyes.
“Sophie needs you,” Drake said softly. “Your father is in the very best of hands.”
I rested my head on Drake’s shoulder and closed my eyes, not wanting to leave my father, but realizing that I had to go back home to my baby, who needed me as well. My father knew I loved him. Sophie needed to know that I did as well.
“Okay,” I said. “After your visit.”
Then we sat down and waited for Elaine to come out. When she did, Drake left the two of us in the alcove and went in to see my father for himself. Elaine was very composed when she returned from seeing my father. She sat beside me and took my hand.
“He’s doing quite well,” she said and smiled. “You should go home and feed that baby of yours. How are your breasts?”
I smiled and slipped a hand up to feel one. “Rock hard,” I said. “I forgot to express.”
“Sophie will be hungry and will drain you,” Elaine said. “You two go. I’ll be fine here. I’ll check out the lounge. The nurse said there’s a recliner chair there I can sleep in if I want. When he’s a little more stable, they’ll move it into your father’s room so I can sleep with him.”
“That’s good," I said and smiled, feeling a little better that my father wouldn’t be alone for the whole night. Even though he’d spend most of it sleeping off his anesthetic, I didn’t like the idea of him being all alone with those tubes and wires and machines surrounding him. Drake returned and I could see the tears in his eyes, despite the fact he smiled when he saw us.
“He’s doing well,” Drake said and sat beside me. He took my hand and smiled. “He told me to go home, so we better follow his orders.”
“Did he actually say that to you?” I asked, surprised.
