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"This was before my mother started to have her problems with sex, I guess. My father didn't know my mother was on birth control pills. All the time she was pretending to be trying to get pregnant. One night he found them and went into a rage, but not right away. He didn't come charging down the stairs screaming or anything
"My mother and I were downstairs watching television. She liked to do her toenails while she watched one of her nighttime shows and I was mimicking her as usual, doing my toenails, too.
"Suddenly, Daddy appeared in the doorway. He had taken off his tie, and his shirt was unbuttoned. His hair looked like he had been running his fingers through it all day.
"He stood there staring in at us quietly for a few moments. Mommy looked up at him and then continued working on her nails
"'Guess what I just found, Gloria,' Daddy said sweetly, so sweetly I thought it was something they had both been looking for a long time.
"Without looking at him, Mommy said, 'What?'
"'I was looking for that designer belt I had bought you last year because I remembered you wanted the same one in a different color, so I opened the bottom drawer in your armoire to look at it and check the name on the belt and to and behold . . .' he said still quite calmly.
"'What is it, Jeffery?' she asked impatiently, raising her eyes reluctantly.
"He opened his hand and revealed the box of birth control pills. There were a number missing. I didn't really know what it was. I still thought it was something they had been searching for, maybe some important medicine.
"She stared for a few moments in silence.
"'You had no right to go searching through my things, Jeffery.'
"'So you're going to turn this around? Make me the bad guy?' He waited for a moment. Despite my age, I sensed that the silences between them were like those just before big explosions. I remember holding my breath and my little heart pounding as if there was a woodpecker in there trying to get out.
"'What about your lie?' he continued shaking his head. 'Not deceiving me? Not pretending you were really as interested in having another baby as I was and making me feel bad that you weren't getting pregnant, so bad that I actually went to have my sperm count checked? That's not the big bad thing here? Birth control pills! You've been secretly taking birth control pills all this time?'
"'Don't get so dramatic about this, she said nonchalantly, but I could hear the tiny cracking in her voice, a note of fear.
"He nodded, looked like he was going to turn and walk away, and then spun around and heaved the small pink box of birth control pills across the living room so hard that it smashed against the numbered print my mother had bought at a gallery on Rodeo Drive just a week ago and shattered the glass. The pills went flying all over.
"'You idiot!' my mother cried.
I was practically under the sofa.
"'How could you lie to me about this? How could you do this?' Daddy cried.
"Mommy just went back to her toenails while he fumed in the doorway, his face so red, I thought the blood might shoot up and out of the top of his head. "'I didn't want to disappoint you,' she finally said.
""What?'
"'I didn't want to tell you that I wouldn't have another child. I knew how much you wanted one, so I just kept them out of sight,' she offered.
"'I don't understand,' he muttered.
"She looked up again.
"'Look at me, Jeffery.'
"'I am looking at you,' he said.
"'No, take a good look, Jeffery. I used to be a size two and no matter what I do, I can't get back because my hips will be forever too big and no matter how hard I try, diet, exercise, personal trainers, whatever, it doesn't help. If having one baby does this to my figure, what will two do?'
"'Your figure? Your figure! That's what you're worried about?' he cried.
"'Oh, don't try to fool me, Jeffery. Men,' she declared, 'make their wives ugly and fat and then go looking elsewhere. Just like
every other husband, you'll go looking at other women,' she said. 'If I don't stay beautiful,' she added practically under her breath.
"I remember I was shocked to overhear her say that having me ruined her figure. Daddy walked off. She finished doing her nails, picked up her copy of Vogue and walked out mumbling about how unappreciated she was.
