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"'How can you hate him so much now and have loved him before?' I asked her.
"'That's what I keep asking myself,' she replied. She thought for a moment and then added, 'I was just deliberately blind. I refused to admit to his
weaknesses and failings. I didn't want to face the fact that I had made such a mistake. I don't know. I was just too young to get married," she concluded. "I was a hopeless romantic who believed when a man said you were the earth, moon and stars to him, he meant it.'
"Self-pity, like evening shadows, came to darken her eyes," I said, remembering.
"'They put you on a throne until they marry you and live with you awhile and then the throne turns to cardboard and all the jewels melt,' Mommy continued. 'Don't believe anything any man tells you, even if he wants to write it in his blood,' she warned me.
"None of that made sense to me and it didn't take long for her to forget it and look for another man to make her promises. All I kept thinking was if my parents' relationship was such a colossal mistake, what am I, the product of that relationship? How can I be right? I bet someone who was born as a result of a rape doesn't feel that much different from the way I feel," I said looking to the others for agreement.
"You know someone born out of a rape?" Star asked me.
"No."
"It's not quite the same thing," she said. Her eyes were cold with a wisdom beyond her age and mine, maybe even beyond Doctor Marlowe's.
"I understand what Misty means, though," Jade said. "I've had similar feelings." Cathy nodded to indicate she had had them too.
"I know my mother hated it when I asked her all these questions and forced her to dwell on the situation," I continued. "She wanted to treat the divorce as a chance to be young again and not as some great personal failure. She wanted to pretend she had been freed from some chains, released from some prison where she had been prevented from being as young and beautiful as she could be.
"If you can believe it because of what I've already told you about her," I said to the girls, "after the divorce she was even more concerned about her appearance than before. She polished her nails so often, the house seemed to reek of the smell of polish remover. She was always at the hairstylist's and she piled up style and glamour magazines to the ceiling, spending hours reading and studying them to be confident she was in fashion.
"She even spoke differently, trying to make her voice sound younger, and not just in front of Charles Allen. I couldn't help thinking that if she wanted to forget she was ever married to Daddy, if she wanted to be young and free again, what did she feel and think when she looked at me? All I could be was a reminder of the failure.
"I was really very interested in how my father saw me now, too, so when he asked me to meet him for lunch, I couldn't help but be excited.
"It was really the first private conversation Daddy and I'd had since he and my mother told me they were getting a divorce. He wasn't at the restaurant when I arrived and I began to worry when he was more than fifteen minutes late. The waiter kept asking me if I wanted to order and I didn't know what to do. I was considering calling my mother, which would set off a nuclear explosion in an already fractured family, so I tried to stay calm.
"Finally, he showed up, apologizing, claiming he was in traffic. He kissed me, which was something he hadn't done for a while, and sat.
"The first thing I noticed about him was how different he looked. He was letting his hair grow longer and he was dressed more informally than usual. He used to always wear a tie when he went out. He wasn't wearing a jacket and slacks either. He was wearing a sweat suit and sneakers. He explained he had come from the gym.
"'This is a great place, one of my favorites,' he said gazing around. He held up the menu. 'Everything is very good here.'
"'Did you come here with Mommy?' I asked him.
"'With your mother? No, I don't think so,' he said. He thought for a moment and added, 'It's mostly where I meet people for business meetings'
"'I don't know what to order,' I said. 'Everything is so expensive.'
He laughed and said he would order for me, but he really wasn't sure what I liked and he had to keep asking.
"'I guess I should know,' he admitted, 'but your mother always took care of the meals. So,' he said after we finally gave the waiter our order, 'how's your schoolwork? Any improvement?'
"'Not really,' I told him
"'Maybe I should look into getting you a tutor,' he thought aloud.
"Mommy was right, I realized, Daddy always looks for ways to slip out from under his
responsibilities.
"When his food came, he talked about his work and his new apartment and for a while I felt as if we were really two people who didn't know each other all that well and were just getting acquainted. I could see that he was as nervous as I was, too.
"Divorce was like some devastating illness that wiped away more than memories; it turned a father and a daughter into strangers.
"Halfway through our meal, I paused and looked directly into his eyes and asked, 'Daddy, what happened? Why did you and Mommy break up after so many years together?'
