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"Next time you'll have to. I guess I'm not as young as I was. Aggravation can age you years in minutes," she added, sending a sharp, cold look my way.
She put the tray down on my desk and I hobbled over to it and sat. There were two boiled eggs, jam and toast, a glass of prune juice and some Jell-O. Usually, she cooked chicken or fish.
"It looks like a hospital meal," I said.
"Complaints? You're lucky to get anything. All this is your fault. Don't forget that," she said, wagging her long, thin finger at me.
"How is it my fault, Mother? You took the ladder away. That was cruel and stupid."
She pulled her shoulders back.
"Don't you dare call me cruel and stupid!" she shouted. She paused, pressed her lips together and made her eyes small and hateful. "Anyway, after what you did, you deserved to be punished."
"What did I do that was so terrible?" I cried, holding up my arms.
"Sneaking up there when my back was turned," she replied.
"Well, why didn't you ever give me those letters? And why are all those things hidden away in those cartons? Those things were all for me, weren't they? You never gave me any of them, did you?"
"No, and I was right not to. It was just her way to try to make up for her own sins by buying you things," she spat. That was followed by a cold smile. "She was hoping to buy your love, to get you to care more about her than you did me. It always worried her that you might," she added. "I knew that was a constant fear gnawing at her heart. Serves her right," she said with satisfaction in her smile
"You hated your own mother?"
"No, I didn't hate her. I pitied her for her weaknesses," she said, quickly wiping the smile off her face.
"Why didn't you ever tell me I had a trust fund?" I followed, as I ate.
"What for? You can't touch it for another year," she replied.
"Still, I should have been told," I insisted. "How much is in it?"
"Oh, so now you're worrying about how much money you have, is that it?"
"No, but I'd like to know. Is that wrong?" I asked. I held the tears locked under my lids even though they were hot.
"When the time comes, you'll know," she said. "In the meantime, I'll look after the finances, thank you."
"Can't you tell me more about what happened?" I pleaded. I remembered what Jade told me to discover. "Where was I born, for example? Was it here in Los Angeles or did she go some place else to have me?"
She pressed her lips together tightly as if she was preventing her tongue from forming the answer.
"It was all a despicable mess. There's no need to rake up the dirty past and have to relive those months and weeks and days. Besides, what difference does it make? You're who you are now and you're here and that's that," she added. She took a deep breath as if her lungs were not giving her enough air on their own. Then she nodded at my tray. "I'll be back later for the dishes."
"It's my past," I said, pressing on. "I have a right to know it."
She stopped and pivoted back to glare at me.
"Right? You have a right? Who gives you any rights? I give you your rights, that's who. Who's had to suffer the most because of all this? I'm the one who had to suffer the most, not you. You were well-taken care of, weren't you? No orphanage for you even though you were born out of wedlock. No farming you out to strangers. You had a home with family right from the beginning, didn't you?"
"Family," I muttered bitterly. "Some family."
"I'll not be blamed for what he did. You could have come to me earlier."
"Oh, right," I said. "You wouldn't listen to anything that had the slightest relationship to that," I said. "You wouldn't even help me when I had my first period. He was the only one who ever pretended to care about me. That's why it all happened."
She shook her head.
"You were never this disrespectful before. It's surely those girls. They're like some sort of disease. Don't let me hear of you even talking to them, hear?"
