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Why did Geraldine read this letter so many times and keep it with her always? What part of it did she cherish the most? I wondered, and perused it again. Was it our mother's expression of gratitude and love or was it the reference to my father? She carried it in her pocketbook, across her heart. She wore it like a badge or a ribbon. Did it mark a courageous act or was it her purple heart, her reward for a great wound?
Maybe she wanted to love me. Maybe she hated that part of herself that wouldn't permit it. Maybe it was painful for her to look at me and have my very presence, my life and my body before her, reminding her of what she had lost, what she couldn't have, reminding her of a great betrayal. Maybe in the end, she really did die of a broken heart.
I wanted to hate her, to remember her only as an ogre, but this letter made me feel sorry for her. Why did I read it? Even from the grave, she was chastising me. I could hear her.
"See, see," she was saying, "I told you not to touch, not to snoop. When are you going to
understand, Cathy? Stop moving the rocks, stop pulling back the curtains, stop pointing the light into the dark.
"Leave the truth where it belongs, buried under a pile of sins."
"Hey," I heard Jade say from the doorway. "Are you all right?"
"What? Oh, yes," I said quickly, fumbling for the wallet and folding the letter. I stuffed it into my pocket.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said quickly.
Her face darkened with skepticism.
"We've got to trust each other, Cat. What we did together makes that very, very important," she said.
"It's just a lame apology," I told her, "an apology my mother wrote to Geraldine. I don't want to talk about it. The whole thing makes me sick."
"Okay, but when and if you do, just remember we're here for you."
"Thanks," I said. I put the pocketbook back on the dresser and held up the wallet. "I got it," I said. "And there's money in it, too."
She smiled
"Then let's party at the mall," she declared, reaching for my hand.
I paused to close the door.
Even though she was dead and buried, I couldn't disregard her wishes. Bedroom doors had to be kept closed. Maybe so the secrets wouldn't slip out.
Or...
Slip in.
Misty was about Geraldine's size, so the driver's seat didn't have to be adjusted very much. Star sat up front with Misty, and Jade and I sat in the back, where there was more room for my cast.
"I've got to go to the hospital tomorrow," I said. "I'm supposed to have my ankle X-rayed again to be sure it's all right. If I don't appear, they'll call."
"So we'll take you," Jade said. "If anyone asks, we'll tell them your mother's under the weather."
"That's where she is all right," Star quipped.
Misty laughed and then she grew quiet and said, "I still can't believe we actually went through with it."
"Don't believe it," Jade suggested.
"Huh?"
"She's right, Misty. The more you think about it, the more chance you'll slip up. Let's make another OWP rule right away," Star continued.
"Ta da..." Misty sang.
