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“She thought it would be easier to include them in your dinner. It’s a very common prescription she has actually gotten for herself from time to time. It’s why you sleep so well at night.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “You let her do this to me without telling me?”
“It was for your own good, our own good. I’m only telling you this so you won’t think there is anything seriously wrong with you, and you won’t insist on going to see some doctor or rush out and do that yourself. It would be far too dangerous now.”
“I’m being drugged,” I thought aloud.
“Not drugged, treated. I’ll speak to her about reducing the dosage, perhaps, but you should want this, too. You don’t want to let your anxiety ruin things,” he said firmly.
“I should have been told, have had everything explained to me,” I said. “I’m not a child, and I’m not crazy. Arden, how could you let her do this to me?”
“Audrina, Audrina,” he said, shaking his head as if I was a child. “Mrs. Matthews says that one of the things about people who suffer anxiety is self-denial. You have to admit that you wouldn’t have accepted the diagnosis so quickly, and who knows where that would have led? And now, to really tell you the truth and add to all of this, I’ve been taking some of the same medicine myself. I’m not taking as much as you are, but you don’t have to function throughout the day like I do. Have you any idea what it has been like for me to try to concentrate on intricate financial moves while worrying about what was happening at home and if our plan would explode in our faces? I’ve had great trouble sleeping. You haven’t noticed?”
I shook my head.
“I know I put on a very good act for you, Audrina. I seem so strong and in control of everything, but there have been days when I was teetering on the edge of disaster. Maybe you can appreciate that now and not be so judgmental.” He looked down and paced for a few moments like someone in deep thought. Then he stopped and looked up quickly. “Listen,” he continued when I didn’t say the words he wanted to hear—that I forgave him and Mrs. Matthews and that I understood. “I knew I needed some help to get through it, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. If someone with my ego can say that, you certainly can.”
I sat up and rolled the blanket off me. “It just seems so deceitful for it to be done to me this way, Arden.”
“Sometimes, as we are proving in spades, as your father would say, deceit is good. What we’re doing is quite a bit more than a little white lie, I know, but look at all the good that will come of it. When it was necessary, you lied. You lied to Dr. Prescott. You lied to Mrs. Haider. You lied to everyone who saw you in the supermarket. Frankly, not a day goes by when you don’t have to lie to Sylvia about something.”
“And I don’t feel good about any of it.” I sat at the edge of the bed but still felt a little dizzy.
“But you did it because you knew it was necessary,” he insisted. “So Mrs. Matthews did what she thought was necessary to protect you, Sylvia, and me, as well as herself. I admit that, but don’t be angry at her and do anything that would jeopardize what we’re doing, not now, not at this critical moment.”
“I feel . . .”
“What?”
“Like I’ve lost all control of my life.”
He nodded and approached me to put his hand on my shoulder. “For a while, you have, and so have I, but it will be over, and we’ll have more control of our lives than ever. I’ll speak with Mrs. Matthews about reducing your medicine to the amount I take. If I can take it, you can,” he added, nearly growling at me like a wolf.
“I don’t want to sleep all the time and lack the energy to care about myself,” I said, shaking.
His hand flew off my shoulder like a frightened bird. “You won’t. I don’t, do I? But you’ll remain calm enough for us to get through this. I’ll go speak to her about it right now.”
I heard him meet her outside Sylvia’s room, and I rose and went to the door. They were speaking so loudly that I didn’t have to listen in the hallway. Sylvia’s room was right next to mine.
“Why did you tell her?” I heard Mrs. Matthews say.
“She complained about her lack of energy and wanted to see a doctor. She’s a strong-willed person. You told me so yourself. It’s better to be honest now. She understands why it was necessary, but you should reduce the dosage to what you’ve given me.”
“Very well. I’m only doing what I think is required to get through this,” she complained. “I don’t want to be criticized for doing my job properly. I won’t stand for that.”
“Don’t worry. She appreciates that as much as I do,” he told her.
I retreated to my bed and sat waiting.
He returned. “Okay, it’s all set. You will barely notice the dosage, and you’ll get through this just like I will.” He stepped closer and put his hands on my shoulders. “I can’t stress it enough. It’s very, very important now, Audrina, that you don’t upset her. All we would need is for her to quit on us.”
“She won’t quit that fast, Arden. She would have a hard time explaining what she’s done here.”
“Nowhere near as hard a time as we would have and nowhere near as much to lose. Do you understand? Do you?”
“Yes,” I said, feeling like my arm had been twisted.
“Good. All right. I’ve got to get back to some important things. Sit with Sylvia for a while. She was crying when I was in there just now. Try to think only of her.”
