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"What's wrong?" I asked, seeing his eyes lower and his body soften.
"She won't like it, any of it."
"Why not? It's not normal for her to feel this way and to do this to you. You've got to get her to stop tormenting you. You've got to be firm, make a firm stand. Do you hear me, Duncan? Do you?"
He nodded. "Yes," he said. "I know exactly what I have to do. I've got to cross over."
"Cross over, do whatever you have to do to make her understand that you are your own person and you have a right to your own happiness."
"Exactly," he said. "I want to do it. I want to go too far to turn back, too far for her to turn me back."
"Good. Maybe then she'll stop tormenting you and blaming you for sins you haven't committed."
"Then you'll help me, want me, be with me?"
"Yes," I said. "We'll help each other. I've told you that before, Duncan."
He started to smile, stopped, and then wore the same expression he'd had when he'd looked at me through the bathroom window.
"What?" I asked when he didn't speak.
"This time I'm prepared," he said and reached into his pocket to show me.
For a moment I was stunned at what he had in the palm of his hand.
"No worries now," he said. "We won't make the same mistake our parents made. No accidents, no unwanted babies."
I looked up at him, truly speechless.
His smile returned. "Don't you see, Alice? It's how we'll both cross over," he said. "And when I do, I'll be too far for her to reach me. And," he added, "so will you. What?" he asked when I didn't respond.
"That's not the right reason to do this, Duncan. I didn't know that was what you meant by crossing over. I want to love you and be with you, but I want it to happen because we feel it and not as a trick to defeat your mother," I said.
He stared at me for a moment silently, his eyes turning glassy and tearful as his smile evaporated.
"Yeah, right," he said, shoving his protection back into his pocket.
"Please understand, Duncan. It makes it feel . ."
"Wrong?" he asked, his new smile wry, crooked.
"Not wrong, mechanical, almost like a procedure rather than lovemaking," I said. "You don't want that either, right?" I asked him softly.
He nodded slowly and then looked away.
"I'm glad you're here," I said. "I want to see more of you. I want to see you every day, in fact," I added, but he didn't turn back to me.
Right now, he looked like he was in a sulk, I thought. He was like a little boy being denied something he had whined for.
"I gotta go," he said.
"But what about your breakfast?"
"I'll eat something later. I gotta get back. It'll only make things worse."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
