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“How are you doing?” I ask, more to break the silence than anything. The CEO looks down at those massive hands, and interestingly, he fidgets a little. Julian always seems so controlled, so this is new.
“I’ve been okay,” he mutters before looking up at me, those blue eyes shuttered. “Well, you know, ever since…”
I wait for Julian to continue, but he merely looks down once again. Is he shy? Embarrassed? Humiliated? I care about him, and I want him to trust me with his problems. He shouldn’t feel ashamed about telling me anything because we’ve come so far already. Haven’t I proven myself over the last few months? Yet I harden my heart because this could end badly for both of us.
“You mean since our date, when we weren’t able to have sex?” I ask with a quizzical arch of my eyebrow.
Two dark streaks appear on those high cheekbones. “Yes, since then,” he manages through gritted teeth.
“So you’re referring to the erectile dysfunction,” I say flatly. “There’s no need to beat around the bush. I was there, and I know what happened.”
Julian’s mouth presses into a thin line as those blue eyes flash.
“You’re being very blunt about this, Lindy,” he grinds out.
I shrug, trying to look nonchalant.
“Well, we might as well discuss it in plain English because it’s the only language I understand. Besides, you ran off so quickly the other night that I thought your hair was on fire,” I say with a pointed look.
At least he has the grace to look embarrassed.
“I’m sorry about that, but I’m sure you can understand that ED isn’t exactly a man’s best moment.”
I nod.
“Yes, but acting like I’m a leper and running off isn’t exactly mature either.”
He sighs again and looks down.
“I apologize for that, Lindy,” he says in a low voice. “But I just want to talk with you. With an open mind, if at all possible.”
Finally, my heart cracks a bit and I sigh too.
“Okay shoot. I’m listening.”
“Well, about that ED …”
His voice trails off and I wait, but he doesn’t continue, still looking down. My heart cracks open some more, and I cover his hand with mine in a reassuring gesture.
“You know there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, right Julian? You’d been drinking heavily that night, so that’s probably it. It’s not a big deal, and it happens to a lot of guys. Plus, it was only once, so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve made love successfully many times in the past,” I say in a gentle tone.
But my man continues to stare at the table with misery in his expression.
“What is it?” I ask softly. “Did I miss something?”
Julian drags his hand from under mine and looks off into the distance, his expression fierce.
“It wasn’t a one-time thing, Lindy. This has happened to me before. It just hasn’t happened with you.”
My eyes widen in shock and I’m tongue-tied because this is not what I expected. Meanwhile, my man continues speaking, even if the words are forced and stilted.
“I’ve never told you much about my childhood,” he says in a slow tone. “We’ve talked about my work, your work, the Club, our friends, and even the weather, but I’ve shied away from my past because it’s a pathetic story.”
His voice is halting, but this time I know better than to interrupt and Julian continues.
“You see, I never really knew my dad. He died in a car accident when I was just a baby, so my mother raised me.”
“Oh, Julian, I’m so sorry,” I murmur.
He shakes his head.
“Don’t be because I never knew him. But the death was a crushing blow for my mom that completely upended her life. Jasmine was a bit of a flibbertigibbet who depended on my father for everything, and after Norman passed, she couldn’t handle it. At first, she kept me with her as we moved from house to house and apartment to apartment to avoid eviction. I was in three different schools during the first few years of my life, always on the run. But Jasmine couldn’t keep it together, and from what the social workers told me, she had a nervous breakdown where others had to step in. When I was about seven, I was handed over to the system and Jasmine disappeared. For good. I haven’t heard from her since.”
My eyes are wide.
“Oh Julian, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you ever looked for her?”
He looks off into the distance, his gaze shuttered, before turning back to me.
“A few times, but nothing’s ever turned up. Even back then, Jasmine couldn’t keep a steady job, nor stay in one place, so you can imagine how hard it’s become to track her down some thirty years later. I honestly have some doubts that she’s even still alive at this point.”
