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I draw in another deep breath. “Yes. Thank you.”
I step out of the way, and he wheels the cart in.
“Over by the table, please,” Buck says.
“Yes, sir.”
The young man sets up the food for us and then hands the check to Buck. He scribbles his signature, and the young man thanks him and quickly leaves.
“You okay?” Buck asks.
“Yeah. I’m good.” My heart is beating like a hummingbird’s, but I’m breathing.
“You sure? You jumped back pretty far when you opened the door.”
“Yeah, but I opened the door.”
Buck smiles at me, and the chills I was feeling vanish and give way to the warmth of his comfort.
“You did. You opened the door, and now we’re going to share a meal.”
I’m oddly hungry. My appetite seems to have come back with the memories.
“Do you think I’m wrong?” I ask.
“About what?”
“About wanting to find who did this to me. To make them pay.”
“Do you want to know what I think? Or what I’m supposed to think?”
“Both, I guess. Just one memory, Buck, and my entire attitude about this has changed. Before, I didn’t want to remember. I thought it was best that I just move forward. But now? This one tiny memory has sparked a need in me. I need to know more.”
“Is it a need for revenge?”
Be honest, I tell myself. You have to be honest. “Yes. So are you going to answer my question?”
“You already know the answer, baby.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “What I’m supposed to think is that revenge is never worth it. The best revenge is to get past what they did to you and move on with your life. Be a success in spite of them. Now that attitude makes a lot of sense. Especially if you’re passed over for a promotion at work because of a coworker’s meddling. Or if a stupid driver cuts you off and then leaves the scene of the crime, while you drive into a ditch and do damage to your car. How much effort would you put into finding the person who did either of those? How much effort would you put into revenge?”
“You and I both know that what happened to me is nothing like—”
“Of course I know. There are certainly degrees here. What I’m supposed to feel is that revenge isn’t necessary in any of these circumstances.”
“And…”
“And in theory, I agree. Will it change what happened to you? Absolutely not. What happened happened, and you have to live with that.”
“I know.”
“What it can change is how they live. Now is that necessary in the grand scheme of things? No. Because it won’t change what you went through.”
“Is it wrong, then? That I want the person to pay? That I want them to hurt as I did?”
Buck pauses. He’s thinking, and more than anything I want to know what’s going through his head at this moment. It’s good that he’s thinking. He wants to give me a reasonable answer—a reasonable answer that will help me, not hinder me.
Finally—
“It’s not wrong, baby. It’s normal. It’s human to want your abuser to suffer as you did.”
“To be fair,” I say, “this person never actually abused me. That honor belongs to Derek and the others.”
“True. But whoever sold you out is responsible for everything that happened to you. Because if he or she had not done that, you wouldn’t have gone through any of it.”
I nod. I already know this. He doesn’t have to spell it out for me.
“Still,” I say, “I should be the bigger person, right? I should move forward, not backward. Because as you say, none of it changes what I’ve been through.”
“None of it changes what you’ve been through,” he echoes. “But…perhaps it will give you some peace to know the person who began all of this will now pay the price. Plus, whoever it is will never be able to harm anyone else.”
Hmm. Interesting. No one else would be harmed. The island is now history and Derek Wolfe and Father Jim Wilkins are dead and buried, but whoever began the process for me obviously has no problem putting others in harm’s way.
Buck makes it sound almost…noble.
I certainly don’t want anyone else to be harmed in any way.
Except if I’m honest with myself, my primary reason for finding this person isn’t to assure the safety of others.
Buck is right.
I want this person to pay.
And if I find out Gloria was behind all of this?
Then damn her. Damn the good Catholic girl.
She will fucking pay.
25
BUCK
I recognize the look in Aspen’s eyes.
I’ve seen it on the battlefield.
I’ve seen it in my friends, teammates, fellow SEALs.
And I’ve seen it in the fucking mirror.
In my own damned eyes.
Vengeance.
Such a simple word… But it can turn a person’s life upside down.
I went looking for vengeance not long ago—looking for the man who had wronged my sister. But when I found him? He wasn’t the same man.
