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Her best friend’s voice—soothing but firm—pushed through the fog of devastation. Chasing the crows back as the heaving sobs finally turned to ragged panting.
At last exhaustion settled over her, she simply didn’t have the strength to cry any more, her body wretched.
‘Kaz, are you still there?’ Cat said, a light in the darkness threatening to engulf her.
&
nbsp; ‘Yes,’ she said, her voice broken and raw but still there. She hadn’t dropped off the abyss. That had to count for something.
‘Now you need to tell me exactly what’s happened,’ Cat said. ‘Can you do that?’
Kasia nodded. Then realised that Cat couldn’t hear a nod, but as she gathered the strength to form an audible reply she heard a groggy voice in the background, asking what was wrong.
She’d woken up the Sheikh now, too. But before she had a chance to apologise she heard Cat’s whispered reply to her husband.
‘Your brother has been a monumental ass and upset Kasia. She’s distraught. Next time I see him, I may have to shoot him myself.’
And then Zane’s mumbled—and utterly dry—response. ‘If he’s hurt Kasia, perhaps she should do the honours. But tell her not to kill him, he’s got a baby to support.’
Kasia dropped her head back onto the bed, the exchange between her two best friends making the strangest thing happen. A bubble of hope swelled under her breastbone. She placed her palm over the slight curve of her belly where her babies slept. Her and Raif’s babies.
The devastation receded, to be replaced by something else flowing through her veins. Something it had taken her years to acquire the first time she’d been abandoned. Resilience.
The pain and anguish were still there. What Raif had done had been callous and cruel, he hadn’t considered her feelings, hadn’t even bothered to discuss his decision with her.
Her scars were rawer and fresher now than they had been. The fears real and vivid. But she wasn’t a little girl any more, she was a grown woman, about to have two babies of her own. Curling up in a ball and letting these feelings defeat her wasn’t an option any more. And oddly it was the knowledge that she could recover from this blow, because she had before, that gave her the strength to read out Raif’s note to Cat.
Cat’s assessment was stark and unequivocal. ‘Kasia, that’s ridiculous, he can’t just decide these things for himself without even talking to you. In a marriage there has to be communication. I know you’ve only just fallen in love but—’
‘He doesn’t love me, Cat.’ She forced the words out. However humiliating, however debilitating she had to own them, she realised. Because she had made mistakes, too. In her optimism and excitement about the pregnancy, about the man she’d discovered in the past weeks, she’d let her heart rule her head, had pushed all her fears under the carpet and married Raif without having any real commitment from him that he could ever love her back. ‘And I’m not sure he ever will,’ she added.
Her friend’s sigh was audible. ‘How do you know that?’
‘Because he made it clear to me he doesn’t believe in love—that he thinks it’s nonsense. He…’ She sighed. ‘He had a miserable childhood, Cat. You know most of the details, I’m sure, from Zane. I knew…’ She heaved a breath through her constricted lungs, the tears now for Raif as much as for herself. ‘I knew it had hardened him, had made him cynical and determined never to trust anyone, but I thought…’ She pressed her palm to her forehead, where a headache was starting to form. ‘I still thought we had a chance, which is why I agreed to marry him, but if he doesn’t want to share every part of his life with me, what real chance do we have…?’
‘Okay, Kaz, listen, maybe I’m being the starry-eyed romantic now. But the note you read to me doesn’t sound as definite as that. He’s a guy and a prince, he likes to be in control, so he’s making decisions for you both, but he doesn’t necessarily know what the right decisions are. Did you tell him you love him?’
Kasia swallowed heavily, the rawness in her throat returning. ‘No.’
She’d never spoken to him about her feelings or his. How could she accuse him of not communicating properly when she’d failed to do so herself?
‘I thought that once we shared a life together, love would grow,’ she continued, trying to explain the unexplainable to her friend. ‘In New York and Paris, the time we spent together made me so happy and I think it made him happy, too. I fell in love with him but I didn’t want to put pressure on him by making a declaration that might not be returned straight away…’
‘I think maybe now is the time to put pressure on him. How can you know where you stand otherwise? And how can he?’
‘I’m not sure I have the courage.’ Kasia’s heart thudded painfully against her ribs, that broken child coming out of hiding again. ‘I don’t want to risk another rejection. What if it breaks me?’
‘It won’t,’ Cat said, with complete certainty. ‘You’re a strong woman, Kasia, much stronger than you think. You survived your mother’s abandonment when you were just four years old. And let’s face it, you can’t possibly stay in Cambridge for goodness knows how long, waiting for him to deign to contact you. That’s madness. You need to know where you stand. And he needs to stop acting like a dictatorial ass.’
Kasia felt a small, sad smile split her lips at the fierce determination in Cat’s tone. Cat was such a good friend. Strong and supportive, always.
She wished she had Cat’s confidence and her courage.
But then she rubbed her hand over her abdomen and imagined the babies growing there. She wanted to give them the start in life both she and Raif had lacked, of being cherished in the bosom of a loving relationship.
If there was a chance for that, didn’t she owe it to her children to fight for it?
She would find the courage to go to Raif in the desert, where he had decided she didn’t belong. She would defy his orders and tell him how she truly felt about him—and what she wanted in return. She would reach for the stars and if she fell short, if they fell short, at least she would know she had tried.
