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Why had he let it go as far as he had? Sure, they’d only shared a meal, but he’d led her on. He’d flirted with her when he should have known that it was all just a fantasy.
He slept poorly, his mind turning the problem over and over. It was the same the next day, and that night. For three days he thought of her with a growing impatience. He imagined her as she’d been, so beautiful and sweet, her cheeks pink, her hair loose, her eyes sparkling, and then he’d remembered her confusion when he’d abruptly stood, cleared the plates and told her that he had to send an urgent email during Dashan business hours.
She’d nodded her understanding, suggested they could see one another again and he’d just given her a tight smile. One that said ‘no’ when his mouth couldn’t find the words.
Now, on a bitterly cold December night, his body taut, his mind numb, he stared up at her apartment. His stomach had knots.
He needed to see her.
But to what end?
It was stupid, foolish and selfish to prolong this, but he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to walk away.
There was something about Melinda that made his gut ache, in a good way. In that way that meant he actually cared about her.
It was the first time he’d felt it for a woman he was sexually interested in, and he wasn’t prepared to shut this thing down yet. Even though he knew he needed to. He was an addict. A big one. Sure, he’d been sober for more than two years. He knew he’d never relapse. But she’d been burned by this addiction before, and he owed it to her to respect what she’d said.
The door to her apartment slammed shut and he startled out of his reverie, his eyes skimming over the group. Three children, small, medium and large, and a woman that took him a moment to place but he then recognised as Melinda’s upstairs neighbour, Tara.
Their eyes locked and he straightened, watchful. She said something to the children and they all held hands then stood against the apartment steps. They were talking; the sound of their happy voices reached Ra’if’s ears and he smiled.
“You’re that guy Mel was seeing, aren’t you?”
Her accent was thick. He had to listen carefully to understand her. “Yes,” he nodded finally.
“I thought so.” She shoved her gloved hands into her pockets and turned back towards the children, reassuring herself that they were all still there. “Look. I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t you dare mess her around.”
He thought of making a joke – of pointing out that between the two of them, in a battle of strength, he would assuredly win, but it wasn’t the time.
Instead, he employed the expression that he generally found to be conciliatory. “I like her. I don’t want to mess her around.”
“Yeah? Because she told me you acted weird and disappeared into thin air.”
His smile was self-deprecating. “I did.”
“You don’t reckon that’s messing her around?”
“It is precisely because I wanted to protect her that I left.” He expelled a sigh. “I don’t know if I would be good for her. I think I’m not what she wants.”
Tara nodded. “Isn’t that Melinda’s decision?”
Just what he’d been afraid of. He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess it is.” He cleared his throat, and shifted his gaze back to the window.
“Right. I’ve gotta take these three to see The Gruffalo.” She turned and began to move towards the children. But as she reached them, she turned around and called back, “Remember what I said.”
It was only as she moved off that the smallest child turned to look over his shoulder. Eyes just like Melinda’s regarded him with open curiosity. His heart lurched.
Jordan.
He swivelled his gaze back to Melinda’s apartment, his mind racing.
Should he tell her the truth, even though the risk was that she would refuse to have anything more to do with him? He knew it was the right thing to do.
The honourable thing.
But when the door opened a minute later and Melinda appeared, everything but wanting her burned from his brain. She was dressed to go out, wrapped in a thick cream coat that matched her hair. She wore a bright scarf at her throat and her shoes were bright red.
He smiled and crossed the street quickly, stopping in front of her before she’d even reali
