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“I don’t know what else to say, but I ruined it. I took a beautiful, bright woman who truly loved me and I squashed the life out of her.” I pause as remorse rises up inside me, my self-loathing so overwhelming, it’s fortunate the pistol is nowhere within reach. I grab my drink instead, but then remember it’s empty. “Like I said, I fucked up. I hurt her. I don’t deserve her.”
Louis holds his glass, a somber expression on his square face. “If I can be honest, in a way, I guess I can see how it happened. You’ve been different for years now… from what I hear.”
“Remember how I used to say you might as well be her soldier, not mine? Still applies.”
“What can I say? She reminds me of my lil sis, Nikki. I go into big-brother mode.”
“Now I know why you’re really here. It’s to bitch me out about not treating your surrogate little sister right. Is that it?”
I can’t even be angry with him for it—Ideserveto be held accountable. If Louis strode up to me and punched me in the face, I wouldn’t stop him. I’d deserve the ass kicking. I’d deserve whatever he felt was a justifiable retaliation for how I’ve treated Falynn. I screwed up that much.
“I’m here to be a listening ear,” he says. “Tell me what happened.”
“I treated my marriage like I treated my empire. I treated Falynn like a mortal enemy and not my wife, Louis. I broke her. I’m ashamed beyond words.”
A long stretch of silence passes between us. Louis sips from his drink and I sit and ruminate about how much I feel like a monster. There’s no coming back from this; how can I look myself in the mirror?
Louis sighs. “I wanted it to work for you two. Boss…I saw how you looked at her. I was around when we thought you were dead and she grieved you. You two were in love big time. Everybody thinks I’m some hard-ass motherfucker ‘cause of my size, but you know I’m really a softie. I was hoping you guys would make it.”
“It’s over. I had to let her go. She’s better off without me.”
“You’re drunk. We need to get you sobered up.”
“I’m good. I’m… I’m fine…” I say this as my words slur from my mouth and my office chair dips deeper than I anticipated.
Louis laughs and then gets up from his seat. “Boss, you need to sleep off the whiskey. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”
He’s right, but it’s an easier thing said than done. I’m so fucked up, I can’t walk in a straight line. I can’t find my way through a massive 50,000-square-foot home to my bedroom. I stumble into the hall with Louis cautiously lurking behind me.
“You’re the onlycazzo,” I slur. The whiskey’s true effects take hold of me more by the second. “You’re the onlycazzo,” I repeat, “who can see me like this. Shit-faced and sloppy.”
“Don’t worry, Boss. I won’t tell anybody. It’s between us. But you need to sleep it off.”
We make it upstairs. A couple of times I wander elsewhere, down a hall that’s a dead end, or into a room that’s not mine. Louis remains close enough to correct me. I’m steered into the master bedroom I once shared with Falynn.
Once warm with passion and life, now it’s just a cold and sterile space.
I collapse face-first into the king-sized bed. Louis dims the light and tells me he’ll stick around until morning to make sure I’m okay.
“Somebody should be here,” he says dutifully. “Your guys never should’ve left you. Even if you told them to. You don’t need to be alone right now.”
I fight through the slow fog of my drunkenness. The more the whiskey seeps into my bloodstream, the harder it becomes to do the most basic shit.
“Lou, you are my brother,” I say, peering over at him. “I don’t care if it’s not by blood. You are mybrother.”
“Thanks, Boss. I’ve always wanted a brother. My parents had to go and give me a kid sister instead.”
“Gio. From now on, I want you to call me Gio.”
I don’t need to be treated like a King or revered because I’m in charge. A true leader doesn’t need the extra bullshit to boost his ego. He’s deserving of his title because he’s a man respected by the men he leads. I’ve lost sight of that.
“Gio,” Louis says, “you need some rest.”
“I can’t sleep in this bed without Falynn. This is our bed.”
“You’re being unreasonable. You’re drunk as fuck right now. I’ll get you some water and a puke bucket.”
Louis disappears into the bathroom. My eyes squeeze shut as I lie still and question why it feels like the room is spinning. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this drunk. I don’t normally drink to excess. Control is too important to me.
