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My breathing slows, my heart rate returns to normal. Her fingers lift to my hair and spear into the strands. She kisses my cheek and then my jaw and then my throat, and I’m aware of wetness there. Not sweat. Not from her kisses.
Tears.
I pull back and watch her carefully, those big brown eyes taking me in as tears roll down her cheeks freely and her mouth fights an ugly-cry tilt.
Embedded deep, and not remotely recovered from the release I had, I have a stark, shocking realization.
I’m fairly certain that she loves me, too.
And if that’s the case, we’re both in big fucking trouble.
—
“There are dogs everywhere,” Allie is saying as she digs through her Szechwan chicken with a pair of chopsticks. She points to me with them to punctuate the seriousness of her point. “Everywhere. In Whole Foods, in restaurants. Churches, bars. A dog is L.A.’s must-have accessory.”
We’re on the couch we made love on, a comedy special on the television in the background, but the volume’s down too low for us to hear. She’s delighting me with the differences between L.A. and Columbus and they’re copious.
“And you haven’t bought yourself a little take-to-church-in-your-handbag dog yet?”
“Not yet. I have enough going on.” Her smile fades a little. “I miss the blue skies the most. You don’t have as many sunny days around here.”
That’s true. I looked it up once and Ohio has something like two thousand total hours of sunshine a year whereas Los Angeles is hovering around three thousand. In case you’re wondering why we’re sitting here talking about dogs and sunshine it’s due to a swift recover after the fumble following sex.
I asked if she was okay because that’s what you do when your girl is crying. She insisted she was “fine” and awkwardly wiped her tears. She didn’t offer an explanation as to why she cried but she didn’t have to. I wasn’t the only one who felt the earth move beneath us.
“This is better than Cooper’s.” She gestures at the paper container holding her Chinese food. I already wolfed mine down, so my hands are resting on her shins as she lounges, legs draped over my lap. She’s wearing my T-shirt and her feet are bare. Her red-painted toenails are sexy and cute at the same time.
“You think delivered Chinese food is better than five-star cuisine?” I cup her toes, which are chilly in the A/C, and warm them with my hands.
“I have five-star cuisine all the time.” She quirks her lips, affecting a bored expression. Then she grins and my heart lurches forward like a drunk on a New Orleans sidewalk. Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
“What else besides blue skies and dogs in handbags is different?” I prompt, desperate to talk about anything but us.
“You make me feel like someone, Jax.”
Her comment is so baldly sincere, I have to collect my thoughts for a long moment. It gives her enough time to look slightly chagrined, like she’s aware that she shared too much. To her credit, she doesn’t take it back.
“I know that sounds weird,” she admits, “but it’s like I went all the way to Hollywood to be someone and now I feel like less than the someone I was before I left.” She scrunches her nose. “Does that make sense?”
“You didn’t have to leave to become someone, Mini. You were someone when you were here.” And so was I, I mentally add. And then she left and the someone I was had to become someone else. “You’re still someone.”
“I know. Just most days it feels…fake. I never wanted to be fake or false. Never wanted to prioritize the spotlight over the people in my life. I feel like I have.”
“That’s a balance you’re in charge of, sweetheart.” I smooth my hand over her leg.
She stabs the chopsticks into what’s left of her dinner and leans over to place the container on the coffee table. She can’t quite reach, so I do it for her.
“Whenever you feel yourself leaning one way,” I tell her, “just stop and lean in the other.”
“You make everything simple, Jax.”
“Thanks?” I laugh, tired. It’s been a long week.
“That was a compliment. In my head, everything is complicated. My problems have fangs and claws. Then I present them to you and you’re like…calm. All the time.”
“I’m not calm all the time.” I squeeze her foot. “You have no problem riling me up.”
