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“Do you know anyone else who’s lost their spouse and kids in an accident? Because I don’t. I don’t know of a single other person who’s been through what you have, and I have thousands of friends and contacts online. It’s not going to happen again. It’s safe to care about Iris and her kids.”
“No, it isn’t.” She’s made me realize that losing any of them would devastate me, and we’re not even involved that way. Or are we?Son of a bitch…This is why I’ve avoided shit like this since I lost Nat and the girls.
“Yes, it is,” Heather insists. “It’s safe to love and be loved. I promise.”
“You can’t promise that, Heather. You’re not God. You can’t protect the people I love.”
“No, I can’t, and neither can you. There was nothing you wouldn’t have done to prevent what happened to Nat and the girls.Nothing.Even you couldn’t have prevented the accident that took them from us because you weren’t there. No one can be everywhere, not even a superman like you.”
I’ve relived that day a thousand times, trying to figure out how I might’ve changed the outcome. I had a presentation for a huge new client that morning that I’d prepared for over several months. Nat and the girls had gotten up early to make me breakfast, kiss me goodbye and wish me good luck with the pitch. When I left the house that morning, I never imagined I’d just said goodbye to them forever.
And I didn’t get the client.
“What’re you thinking?”
“About that day, how I was consumed with work while they were being slaughtered by a drunk driver who should’ve been in jail.” The murder of my family was his fifth DUI offense.
“Your work supported your family. You weren’t doing anything wrong by focusing on it.” She and others have told me that a thousand times since that tragic day but hearing it repeatedly doesn’t change the narrative in my mind. “No one can be everywhere,” she says again, more softly this time. “Caring about Iris and her kids isn’t going to ruin your life a second time.”
“You can’t know that for certain.”
“No, I can’t, but what I do know for certain is if you spend the rest of your life alone out of fear of more loss, you’ll be compounding the tragedy you’ve already suffered.”
Tyler comes back to the door, his expression achingly hopeful and innocent.
“I need to see a boy named Tyler about a model of theTitanic.”
“Gage…”
“I heard everything you said, and I’ll even admit you’re right about everything. I just don’t know if I can.”
“Try.”
“I gotta go.”
“Call me tomorrow.”
“I will if I can.”
“I’ll worry if you don’t.”
“I’m fine. I promise.”
“Call me.”
“All right. Don’t tell Mom any of this. I don’t need you guys double-teaming me.”
“I won’t say anything, but I’m looking forward to meeting Iris and her children.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“Love you, Gage.”
“Love you, too.” As I end the call, I realize I’ve made a huge mistake involving Heather in this situation with Iris. Of course she’s going to be on Team Iris, because she’s been after me for a long time to get back out there and meet someone new. I’ve never wanted to. I still don’t. But Iris isn’t someone new. She’s been by my side for a while now and understands my journey better than anyone in my life, other than our widow friends, that is.
If I’m being honest with myself—and what’s the point of not being honest—this thing with Iris, while it only recently turned physical, isn’t new. It’s been happening for quite some time, the connection between us on low boil long before last weekend. I can’t deny that as much as I’d like to.
It’s not too late for me to take a step back out of self-preservation.
