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As much as I want to believe that Dominik would be an excellent father, I don’t know that much about him as a person. He’s got a loud voice for yelling at kids, but I’m not sure if he has the emotional capacity to love a child with his whole heart like I would need him to. He’s so closed off from his own emotions that our child would never be able to read his expression.
My aunt had hidden the pregnancy test under a rock at the edge of our property, and I was able to sneak away and retrieve it in a moment of blind panic. It’s been hiding under my mattress since last night, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
I thought about taking it last night when I got it, but I wanted one last night of blissful ignorance before I had to face the consequences of my actions. Despite how much those actions might have ruined my life forever, I still can’t say that I regret them. I’m not sure if that makes me a bad person or not, but I’ll take whatever glimpses of happiness I’m allowed in this world.
After lying on my bed feeling the box poking out from under the mattress, I finally remove the stick from its package and examine it.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I’ve never even seen one of these in real life since I never needed one. How unlucky does someone have to be to have sex twice and get knocked up?
I take at least five final deep breaths before I swing my legs over the side of my bed, setting my feet on the floor to make my way over to the bathroom. The cold of the hardwood floor feels so much less forgiving on my feet as I walk across the room. Even the little inconveniences I’ve experienced feel like a slap in the face from the universe.
That same stupid feeling of impending doom begins to swirl in my stomach again, but this time I’m more annoyed with it than anything.Yes, I know that my life might change forever in the next ten minutes. Yes, I know that this could be the worst thing I’ve ever done. Thank you for the reminder.
Sitting on the toilet to summon pee from deep within me feels so unnatural. Peeing on anything feels unnatural, and there’s an impulse in me to pull the stick out from under me before I ruin it. It takes a moment to overcome that feeling, but I don’t want to wait too long. We’re down to the wire now.
After I’ve finished, I place the test flat on the vanity. Putting something so gross on a surface in my bathroom also feels unhygienic and wrong, but I can clean it all up later. Who am I even trying to impress?
Now the waiting.
I knew this wait would be the longest five minutes of my entire life. I’ve seen it in movies, sure, but I never knew anybody who had an accidental pregnancy. I’ve never been given the firsthand, raw experience from a woman in my exact position. Had I gone to a regular school when I was young, maybe I would have known some girls in my high school who got pregnant.
A cautionary tale wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world.
My mother never told me about her pregnancy, and as a child, I interpreted the lack of details as a means of forgetting. She must have hated being pregnant, especially with all the shit she’d been trying to quit when I was conceived. I don’t even think our situations could be comparable. She had a husband, and I’m a pregnant teen.
Still, I wish she had told me what it was like.
Preparing myself for the worst is much easier said than done. What a stupid fucking cliché.Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.What even would the best case be here? Even if I’m not pregnant, my period is still late. Either I’m stressing to my maximum capacity, or something is wrong with my body.
I try to picture the most optimistic version of my future with Dominik’s baby. Would Dominik even stick around? He’s shown no paternal instinct whatsoever, and he’s been a bit of a dick since the day I met him. He doesn’t seem like the type who would stand up for his child and raise them. I hesitate to say that he would be neglectful or abusive, but his authoritarian streak would be ignited by an unruly child. I’d hate to see how that would play out.
What if Dominik did stay with me? The age difference is so immense that we would be stared at and questioned everywhere we went. People would infantilize me, trying to protect me from the prying eyes of my predatory boyfriend. I would be reduced to a victim of circumstance, someone who was too stupid to see that she was getting played.
I never wanted to be that girl, but I’ve been eating my words a lot lately.
Now we’re down to two minutes, and I think about the inverse possibility of my potential pregnancy. The only way I could stay with Dominik without suffering major repercussions would be by a miracle. Pretending that I’m carrying Izet’s wedding night baby might be the only way to pull this off safely, at least until the child is older. Izet and Dominik look nothing alike, and it will become more obvious as time goes on that something is not quite right.
But at least then, I have time.
Right now, time is everything, and I have none of it.
One minute.
I want to blame Dominik for being so irresponsible. What kind of man is he that he’s so willing to have sex with a woman he’s in charge of protecting? A virgin, no less?
It feels like I should be blaming him for this. He knew better than to cum inside of me, but it just felt too good in the moment. That’s the only excuse they ever have. Men have been accidentally impregnating women since the dawn of humanity because itfelt good.
But I know I loved it, and I would do it again and again.
I’m just mad that I have to bear the consequence.
The timer goes off, and it’s time to face the music. I grab the test, angling it towards me at the perfect angle to show two bright pink lines through the test strip.
Fuck.
I could have never truly prepared myself for how this feels. No amount of deep breathing, affirmations, or meditation could have even come close to holding back the amount of visceral panic and terror that I’m feeling.
As of right now, I am fully aware of a tiny human developing inside of me with no signs of stopping, and I don’t have any idea what to do about it. It’s Dominik’s baby, and I would never want to hurt something that he and I made together, but Dominik can’t know about this. Not yet, maybe not ever.
