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I feel more lost than I ever have, and I don’t have Dominik here to keep me safe.
The bigger problem is that I don’t know why he’s leaving or where he’s going. He told me he was insistent on staying here with me, even if it meant having to watch me marry Izet. What could have happened since that conversation that would change his mind? Why didn’t he trust my judgment enough to do that before?
Nobody here ever tells me anything. I’m always the center of so many discussions, but nobody ever actually tells me what’s going on. Whether I’m supposed to get married or lose my bodyguard, I’m forced to accept the news with joy and a hysterical smile. What kind of life is this? Why is everything so fucking backwards?
At this point, I wish it would have been the Italians who broke in. I’ve felt nothing but despair and defeat for the better part of six weeks now, and the prevailing circumstances have only gotten worse as time goes on.
At least if the Italians killed me, my death would be noble and tragic. Everybody in the Bratva would attend my funeral, bringing the family honor and solidarity with those that my father loves so much. My casket would overflow with flowers, and I would have never looked more beautiful in my living days.
If I killed myself, I would be a disgrace.Just like my mother.
Maybe that’s how I want to be remembered.
I haven’t been able to sleep for one night without dreaming about Dominik, or Izet if I’m particularly unlucky. Even in my dreams, I can’t find refuge from my certain and bleak future. What’s even the point of being alive if I’m going to hate every minute of it?
How could I ever find happiness with Izet, even in myself? The first thing he’ll do when we’re married is try to break my spirit so that I’ll be a meek little housewife, sucking his dick whenever he wants me to. I know how these Bratva men work, and they keep wives purely to give them sons and keep their houses clean.
At this point, I’m wishing that the Italians had just killed me in the back of that car. All of this could go away forever, and nobody would ever have to know about Dominik’s baby. There’s a satisfaction in knowing that Izet’s world would crumble if I died, but my mother’s heart would be shredded to ribbons. I can’t let that happen, no matter how miserable I am.
I should have followed him when he left, or at least tried to talk to him. He wanted to say goodbye, or maybe just see me one last time before he was given a new position. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was just placed in a different role, maybe as a mercenary.
I don’t sleep for the rest of the night after he leaves. There are too many thoughts swirling through my head, a cacophony of regrets and hypothetical scenarios that do nothing but weigh on me.
As I watch the sun come up, I feel an emptiness in my chest that I’ve only felt when my mother was taken from me. If he and I are bonded like that, this will be even harder than I thought.
I don’t have the strength to leave my bed for longer than five or ten minutes at a time this morning. The piece of candy that I ate a few hours ago has long since dissolved in my stomach, and the same sharp, persistent hunger starts to emerge as my digestive system wakes up.
Whether or not Dominik does leave won’t matter in the end, because I’ll be dying inside either way unless he promises to take me away from here. As the father of this baby, I need him to stand up for me.
But will he?
This hunger strike needs to end soon. I can’t starve my baby like this, even though I’m pretty sure that they survive on blood. I know so little about babies and fetal development that the mental image of a baby growing inside me is absurd to me. I know it happens, it’s biology. But now that it’s happening to me, it feels alien and unnatural.
After a few more hours of trying to sleep, I decide to go downstairs to try to sneak something small to keep myself from passing out.
Usually by now, Dominik would be awake drinking a cup of coffee and reading an article about the stock market or a famous lawsuit. I’d walk up to his side to make a snide comment about how boring the world must be when you pass age thirty, and he’d glare up at me silently.
I didn’t hear him leave last night, but there’s no sign of him here. The shouting must have been between him and my father, probably because the reason for my hunger strike is known to them both now.
My father thinks that I’m trying to get rid of Dominik because he’s annoying and I hate him. He must not want me to be too scrawny for the wedding, so he had to remove Dominik as soon as he figured out my motivations.
It looks like it worked.
Even though I got what I wanted, I feel a dull ache in my chest at the thought of him being gone indefinitely. I still have to figure out what I’m going to do with the baby, and my aunt Vera can only help so much before she’s implicated in concealing my crimes as well.
I hate how much hurt this mistake has caused. If Dominik and I had just a little more self-control, we could still be taunting each other from across the room and stealing glimpses when the other wasn’t looking. It would be innocent, and nobody would have the potential to have their heart broken.
With Dominik gone and my wedding speeding towards me, I resolve to try to enjoy what little I can of my old life before that, too, is ripped away from me.
28
DOMINIK
Iknew that this game couldn’t go on forever, and Remi has finally decided to remove me from my position as Mika’s bodyguard until she starts eating. Somehow, he figured out that she wasn’t eating because I was around, but he assumed that it was because she hated me for enforcing rules on her. It’s not the most unlikely scenario, and I wasn’t about to fight him on it.
Once she’s back to eating regular meals and doesn’t look like a ghost, I’ll be right back in that house with her, where she’ll spend her days screaming and throwing things at me. Even though it’s insane, I really can’t wait to be back there, even though Mika has been damn near impossible to reason with at all. I miss her so much, and it’s only my first day away from her.
Remi has relocated me to a different position for the time being, the loading dock where all of his human and drug-related imports come in. I haven’t worked this particular station, and Remi gave me very little guidance on how to do my job well. As long as I keep my head down and don’t do anything suspicious, I should be able to breeze my way through this until Mika is eating again.
