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“Faye, I’m serious, I need you to tell me what’s going on. You’re freaking me out, and even if it really is nothing, I need to know that so that I won’t obsess over it. That’s one of my worst traits,” I say, stroking her hands a bit.
Now, she breaks down crying, pressing her face into my shoulder. A chill runs down my spine – this could be much worse than I was anticipating.
“Have you ever wanted kids, Aleksander?” she asks, prying herself away from my shoulder to look me hard in the eyes.
Fuck.
“I mean, I never gave it much thought. I haven’t had the chance to really consider it. Why, are you trying to tell me that you’re pregnant?” I ask, wondering how the hell she could even know.
That’s when I put the pieces together.
“Did you go out and find a pregnancy test somewhere? How did you do that?” I continue, trying to keep my tone understanding and not hostile or upset.
“Yes, I went to the little corner store a few buildings down from here. I had to steal the test because I didn’t think you would give me any money. Nobody caught me though, don’t worry,” she replies, her voice weak with anxiety and fear.
I take her into my arms, and she stiffens into a board before she relents to her need for closeness. “You don’t need to be sorry for that. Why would I be upset about you stealing a pregnancy test? Do you know what kinds of crimes I’ve committed?”
She sobs heavily for a moment before collecting herself. “No, I don’t know what kinds of crimes you’ve committed, and that’s part of why I’m so fucking scared.”
I have to allow my defensive nature to take a back seat for once, even though I want to stand up for myself and my choices. Besides, she didn’t have to fuck me. She’s an adult, she knows just as well as I do that sex causes children.
Even though I’m ready to lose my patience, I take a deep breath and gaze down at her. “I know you don’t, but I promise that nothing I do in my job will ever, ever cross over into our child’s life.”
“Aleksander, I didn’t even know you before your work crossed into my life and caused a huge disruption. How can you possibly say the opposite for a child?”
Bitter words slither up my throat like a bad swig of bourbon, but I suppress them again. I can’t allow myself to become mean like my father. Faye is scared for a very good reason, and I can’t hold that against her at all. She’s going to be a great mother, I can already tell.
“Okay, I know that’s true, but you need to understand that a baby changes everything. I’m not sure how yet, but I know I would find a way to keep myself separated from the violence I encounter in my every-day job if it would help you feel more secure. Is that something I can promise to you?” I ask her, stroking her cheek as she stares up at me with big, watery eyes.
“I don’t really have much of a choice but to trust you now, do I?” she replies, still feeling insecure and cornered.
Instead of getting angry with her for lashing out, I take her and pull her close to me. Her head rests on my chest, and she doesn’t resist me at all.
“I know it sucks, but we’re going to have to stay here indefinitely until the situation back in the US has been reconciled. If we have a baby on the way, everything needs to be perfect before we return. We can’t take any risks whatsoever, and I’m about to show you that I mean business about that. Can you please trust me, just this once?”
She pulls herself into me even more, pressing the tips of her fingers into my back as if she’s trying to climb into me. “Are you sure? I thought for certain that you were going to be so upset with me.”
I hate seeing how scared she is of a bad reaction from me. I’ve tried to show her just how much I care about her by keeping her sheltered here, but she’s still so afraid of me. All I can do now is hope that she sees the truth as the baby develops.
“No Faye, I’m not upset with you. We both made the choice to have sex, and this is a risk that we were both willing to take. Now we just have to see where things go,” I reply.
She pulls away for a bit again. “So, you say you’ve never thought about having kids. Is that true? How could you not have thought about it by now?”
I sigh heavily, rubbing her back. “I just haven’t had anyone in my life who I was willing to have them with. All the women I’ve dated before you were immature and untrustworthy. I’ve wanted a wife and a family just as badly as anyone, but it’s typically something that would have to be earned.”
She looks a bit upset again, and I realize that I’ll have to be more careful with how I choose my words.
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. This whole situation is a lot more complicated than that. It’s not like you stole this baby from me, we both did this. So now we’re going to go through it together.”
There’s no response for a bit, and I figure that I just need to let her have her moment so that she can gather herself. If she needs to worth through this in stages, I’m more than willing to be there for her. I’ll just have to get used to the distance from her.
“I’ve never thought about this before. Not about being pregnant, at least. I’ve never been pregnant, and I don’t know what to expect at all. I feel like I don’t know anything about pregnancy, like it’s going to take everything away from me,” she sobs, clinging to my arms again.
I take her over to the bed so that she can sit down. She follows, and she seems grateful for the gesture when I place myself next to her. Maybe she’ll be able to trust me through small acts like this until the baby is here. She’ll need to work with me as a team, and it’ll be difficult for me to be patient with her about my baby, but it’s good to see that she’s so protective of it.
“I had friends who got pregnant in college and it ruined their lives. I watched them drop out of classes like flies, and the prospect of that ever happening to me terrified me to my core. So now I’m just an unprepared mess,” she confesses, leaning into me as she sits at my side.
“But you have to know that your friends love their children. I’m positive that they’re still overjoyed that they have them, even if it’s instead of a college degree. That’s the thing about kids, you can’t ever really plan for them. They come into your life when they’re supposed to, and having them teaches you things about yourself that you never knew before.”
