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It wasn’t that I needed to discuss it with her, but that she didn’t bring it up left me both on edge that she could drop the conversation like the bomb it was at any given moment and irritated that she couldn’t care enough to ask about that time, to ask what the ramifications of it were on me.
It probably took me longer than it should to say, “No. I’m not mad at you.” I kissed the crown of her head, meaning it because life was too fucking short for grudges. If I had a problem with her not talking about the abuse I’d endured, then conversation was a two-way street. “You can always ask me, Ma. Hugs come for free.”
She sighed against my shirt. “Thank you for finding this apartment for me.”
“You’re welcome. I hope you’re happy here. Is a room going to be for Uncle Paddy?”
“Maybe. Will your brothers have a problem with that?”
“Do you care if they do?”
She paused. “I suppose you’re right. I don’t.”
“Well, then.” I shrugged. “Life’s short, Ma. Be happy. I think Da would want that for you.”
“I think he would too, but it’s strange. I don’t like Paddy in that way. I just enjoy being around him.”
“Is it the beer gut?”
She huffed out a laugh. “What was it Savannah called your father?”
“Ah, a silver fox.”
“Yes, I was definitely married to one of those. I suppose it spoils you. But Paddy’s good to be around and he’s at a loss too. We’ve both let our families down—”
“Sounds like a recipe for miserable conversations.”
“No, you’re wrong. It’s nice. We’re not perfect and we accept that about each other.”
I squeezed her. “Have you tried apologizing to Aoife?”
“No. What’s the point? There’s no forgiving what I did.” She swallowed. “Does she miss me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then why did you ask?”
I sucked down some air. “Star let me down and did some bad… things. She said sorry and I told her it wasn’t enough, that she had to atone. Sometimes, you don’t give up, you find a solution and a way of saying sorry.”
She reared back. “Is that what you think I should do with Aoife? I tried before, but she lost it—”
“Then try again.” I thought about her strange obsession with Our Lady and mused, “If you made it about religion, Ma, then no wonder she freaked. Instead of making it about the church, you need to make it about her. About the woman you love like a daughter.
“I think that’s the only option you have open to you if you don’t want to live like this.”
Her eyes rounded and she released a shaky breath. “She won’t let me near her, though. Neither will Finn. You know, ten years ago, I would have said that Finn not speaking to me would have broken my heart, but losing them both is what’s broken me.
“I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, but I wish…” She sighed and then shot me a lopsided smile. “Wishes don’t come true for people who’ve done what I have.”
“It’s not about wishing. It’s about working for Aoife’s forgiveness.” I rolled my eyes as she shook her head in disagreement. “Anyway, how’s it feel to be back in the city?”
“Good. I think it will be better for me than being all the way upstate for the time being.”
“You don’t want to sell the estate?”
“No. I might spend summers there. The winters are too lonely.”
I pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Whatever you need, whatever makes you happy, we’ll figure out a way.”
