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“Matthew, it will go quicker if we both do it. We’ll alternate.” Zara stepped in, angled the shovel, pushed at the blade with her foot, sinking it deep in to the soggy ground, hefting out the dirt. We soon found a rhythm, but the rain fell harder and faster, making it heavy, slow-going work. Zara worked tirelessly, matching my shovel loads with apparent ease. I barely noticed as the sun set and gloom descended. Zara reached out and put her hand on my arm as I went to dig again. “Wait.” She knelt down, listened. “I think she’s here.” We heard Bess whine, right near where Zara was kneeling. She smiled. I knelt down next to her and we used the shovels to gently, carefully push the dirt out of the way, rather than dig, then when we thought we were getting really close, we pulled the dirt away with our bare hands. My hands touched wet, muddy fur. I could have cried with relief.
“Got her!” Bess wriggled, whining as we pushed the dirt off her and pulled her out of the hole. She spun around, barking joyfully and throwing herself at us, knocking us backward. I caught Zara and pulled her close as she hugged Bess and looked up at me, smiling, with tears in her eyes. Without thinking, I leaned forward, pressed a kiss to her lips. “I love you.”
She went still in my arms, and I cursed the rush of emotion that had overwhelmed me. Keeping my tone light and natural, I pushed to my feet and put my hand out to help her up. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
She put her hand in mine, but didn’t look at me. We made our way to my truck in silence, me going through options in my mind. I knew my girl, and I knew that right now she was freaking out. Space. She would need space to process the idea. So that’s what I would give her. Not too much. Just the weekend. So, I drove her home, pulling into the drive, leaving the engine running as I reached for the interior light. “I should get Bess home and give her a warm bath.”
“Good idea. I’m desperate for a shower myself,” she replied with a forced smile, followed by a sneeze.
“Listen, Gabe and Jake are going fishing this weekend. I haven’t been for a while so I thought I might go along.” My heart twisted at the unmistakable flicker of relief in her eyes. “I’ll catch up with you early next week?”
“Sure.” She leaned forward, pressed a fleeting kiss to my lips. Then she was gone, walking across the driveway, putting her key in the door and going inside without looking back. I stayed there a long moment, every muscle screaming to go after her, tell her again and again and again that I loved her until she believed me. But I didn’t. Instead, I turned off the interior light, drove my truck toward the gates, and headed home.
CHAPTER31
Zara
Istripped off my muddy, wet clothes, dumped them on the bathroom floor with a splat, sneezed again and stood shivering as I waited for the water to run hot. My mind was blank as I stepped under the shower, barely noticing the water pouring over me, washing away the mud.
He loved me. He loved me. He loved me.
I pressed a hand to the shower wall, squeezing my eyes shut against the tears that threatened to fall. Dammit, why would I even be crying? I should be happy. But I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed, confused, lost. I cared about him, of course. He was a great guy. But, simply put, I just wasn’t wired for love. Couldn’t give him that in return. Could I? I turned the shower off, pushing it all out of my mind for the moment. The weight of it was just too much.
* * *
Iwoke the next morning, bone tired and achy. I’d gone to bed early the night before without eating. Now, I lay in bed a long while, listening to the light drizzle still pattering on the roof. I knew I should get up and eat something, but I wasn’t hungry. I closed my eyes, replaying the events of the previous day. The stress about Bess. Matt’s anxiety. The relief when we’d finally dug her out. His confession. So sweet, so simple. And my instant reaction: joy, quickly smothered by fear and doubt.
Only three other people had ever said those words to me: Aunt Ruby, Ally, and Greg. I thought of Greg—suave, sophisticated, a player with a practiced smile that never reached his eyes. Then I thought of Matt. Honest, kind, a generous man with a smile that made my heart melt. It had been foolish of me to believe Greg’s declaration of love. Was it foolish now to question Matt’s? Maybe. Maybe not. I had been trapped in the same thought patterns for so long now I didn’t know how to break them. They went all the way back to my childhood, starting with my mother, and had been cemented by Greg. I felt like I couldn’t see past them.
With a sigh, I pushed back the comforter, hurriedly throwing a hoodie over my pajamas before going out to the kitchen. I put two slices of bread in the toaster, rolling my shoulders, trying to relieve the aching in my muscles brought on by yesterday’s frantic digging.
Shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself for warmth, before reaching over to flick the coffee machine on. I crossed my arms across my middle again as I waited for the toast to pop up and the kettle to boil, my gaze wandering around the kitchen. Memories washed over me. Of my first meeting with Matt, that instant pull of attraction, the look in his eye when I’d given Bess the ham.
A small smile played around my lips at that memory. The kiss. The moment I’d brokered the deal—yes, we could have this time together, but then I would leave. Because I wasn’t looking long term. I had burdens and responsibilities, and no time for commitments. But then I remembered the glow in his eyes when he looked at me. His love. A thought sprang up, and an idea took hold.
I buttered the toast, giving in to my imagination for just a tiny moment. Pictured us together, in the future. A small spark lit within me, begging to be allowed to burst into flame. I tried to resist, but it was useless. I loved him. My heart knew it, even if my mind refused to acknowledge it. I couldn’t deny it any longer.
I loved him. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. I didn’t know what to do about it, then I remembered he was gone this weekend, fishing. That meant I could take my time to process it, decide how to proceed. The thought made me smile as I sipped my coffee, then I suddenly frowned. A car was pulling up in the driveway. I went to the front door, pulled it open, saw my mother getting out of her car, walking toward me. I quavered. I absolutely did not have the strength for my mother today.
“Zara.”
“Mom.” I stood back as my mother pushed through the door, following her into the kitchen, watching as she poured herself a coffee, wrapping her perfectly manicured fingers around the mug before turning to look at me.
“I suppose you’re pleased with yourself.”
“I…guess so?”
“You got your way, like you always do.”
I frowned, confused. “Like I always do?”
“You know why I brought you out to Ruby’s? When you were young?”
I shook my head.
“They couldn’t have children, she and Walter, as much as they wanted them. I knew it upset her, so I thought, wouldn’t it be nice if she formed a bond with you as a substitute for the child she never had, and if I could make that work in my favor. They had a nephew, well, Walter did. The inheritance could have gone either way, but with a bit of planning and forethought, I was sure I could make it go my way. And there you were, ready and willing to play your part. Ruby just lapped it up.”
The words were like arrows, piercing my heart. The cornerstone of my childhood was fracturing. Ruby, dear sweet Aunt Ruby, had been manipulated, her longing for a child of her own toyed with. Tears shimmered in my eyes. “I was achild.”
