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I wish Andre is here. At least I can talk to him, and maybe he can help me get through this. But he is busy working on the base. Unfortunately, I have met no other naval buddies of Jamie’s. When he gets back, that is going to change. I need a support system. I need to know that he’s fucking okay.
“Mommy?” Lucas pulls me out of my thoughts. “Are you okay?”
“I am, sweetie. I’m just worried about Jamie and Andre.”
“Well, you shouldn’t worry. Jamie said he’ll be back, and Andre is protecting us.” He walks over to me and sits next to me on the couch. “And besides, if they said they were coming back, they are coming back. I just know it.” Lucas holds onto the dog tags around his neck.
Jamie gave them to him so he’d have a set of his own. Since Jamie left, he’d enforced the explanation told to him. Soldiers wore one tag around their neck and the other in their boots when active. When he heard Jamie’s voicemail saying that it was Lucas’s turn to protect me while he was away, he’d followed the orders. A mission of his own.
I wrap my arms around him and give him a big hug. Lucas asked us if we were going to be a family right before Jamie left, as if he knew something would happen. We hadn’t discussed our future, so Jamie didn’t make any promises but admitted that it’d be nice.
Lucas wants a father. I guess I just am not cutting it in the dad department. And I know that makes Jamie uncomfortable. When the time is right, we will figure it all out. Things are still new, yet they feel right, as if we are reconnecting at the right time and pace. Our souls seem to be forever bound, making our reunion powerful.
I kiss my son on the top of his head. He had got my mind off things and reassured me I shouldn’t worry. I am going to take his advice. I shift my focus on our future and let my concerns fade away.
* * *
It’s been a week now and I’m beyond worried, and I am doing everything I can to not let Lucas see. He’s such an intuitive child. It is difficult to keep things from him. And the older he gets, the harder it becomes.
My life has been a shit show ever since I was sixteen. Constantly on the run, never finding true happiness, and when I finally have a glimmer of something that could make me happy, the Vitali family enters the scene. Then I get the courage to return to Hawk and tell him everything, only to find out that he is dead. So again, I moved on and resigned myself that I would never have love or stability. Am I meant to be alone or always on the run?
I came to terms with Lucas being my happiness, thankful we are alive and safe.
And then BAM! I fucking run into Jamie in the grocery store. We connected immediately and are now working through developing us into more. But fate hates me and loves to dangle happiness and take it away.
Jamie should have made some kind of contact with me by now, and he hasn’t. Is he okay? What’s happening to him? He mentioned being away for a couple of weeks, but I expected to hear from him or have word that he’s okay.
I have a sinking feeling something has happened. How will I know if it does? Who is listed as his next of kin? Will Andre be able to find out?
* * *
Jamie has been gone for three weeks on his mission. Andre hasn’t been able to find out anything, and I have not heard a word from him. I have a sinking feeling he is dead. And there is nobody I can contact to confirm it. We have not set up any proper channels for a spouse or significant other to contact when a service member is on missions. It came up so suddenly, not giving us time to prepare anything. I’m only his girlfriend, with no legal reason to justify my concerns or give them justification to tell me anything. Jamie… It’s getting harder to be positive about the outcome, still wishful for his return, but doubts are harder to fight.
If something happens, how do I explain it to my son? Where do I go from here? I’ve been knocked down so many times before, and I have always gotten back up, brushed the dirt off, and continued on. I honestly don’t have the strength to do it again. Losing Jamie for the second time is too much to handle, and though I have Lucas, it still feels like I’m alone. I have to be strong and push forward, although the pain keeps me awake at night and distracts me during the day. I have to push forward because it’s no longer just me. There is Lucas to consider. If not for me, I must do it for him.
And now… I stare down at the plus sign clear as day on the pregnancy test. This can’t be happening again! I can’t have another fatherless child. I sob, the flood of tears rolls down my face, I toss the pregnancy test in the trash, and lie down in my bed. Curling up in the fetal position, I hysterically cry into my pillow. My heart is torn into a million pieces, and there’s only one way to make it whole again.
Jamie, please come home to me. I can’t do this without you.
Jamie, I love you.
Fuck you, Fate.
18
It took five weeks to get back home. I held strong the entire time, but now that they transported us back, I’m restless. I cannot get to Norfolk quickly enough. Still, on my break from active duty, I am not due back for regular rotation, but they could call me back for another special mission.
Hoping for more time to recuperate, I focus on the important things. One step at a time, that’s how I move. When I get home to Norfolk, I drive directly to handle something that I’d been thinking about since I’d gotten into that first battle in the water. Parking, I am positive about what I am about to do.
The chime above the door dings as I enter.
“May I help you?” The saleswoman asks.
“Actually, yes. I need to see your engagement rings.” I know I must be a sight. My right cheek is bruised, my left eye is blackened and half-closed, and I am limping.
She smiled and led me to a case full of rings. I sit down in the seat, and she shows me all my options; unique stones, settings, metal types, and even designs in the band. One catches my eye, and I wonder if Gina would like it. I try picturing it on her finger, and that’s when I become unsure. None of the other rings hold my attention the way this one has. Platinum, the design is fun yet bold, just like Gina. The diamond isn’t too overzealous or understated. I think it is perfect for her.
“This one.” I point out. “It’s the one.”
