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“I love you, Dad. I’m glad I got to spend this summer with you.” I try to remember the one untainted part of this summer. I will never regret spending this summer with my dad and watching him come back to life after the grief of Mama’s death.
“I love you too, Hannah, more than anything.” Dad says, placing another kiss on the crown of my head.
Chapter 35
Lilli picks us up at the airport and I’m not sure if Dad told her about the breakup or if she just knows by looking at me because she hands driving off to Dad and joins me in the backseat, holding me the entire way home as I fall apart. She doesn’t ask any questions on the drive home, probably knowing I don’t really want to rehash all the gory details in front of my dad and even when we get home, she is quiet while waiting for me to open up as she sits beside me on my bed.
When I finally work up the energy to tell her, she just listens, rubbing my back as I get it all out. When I can’t speak anymore because I’m too hoarse from crying, she puts on a movie. I don’t pay enough attention to tell what it is, and Lilli grabs some ice cream from the freezer to eat. When I can’t sleep even though I’m more tired than I’ve ever been, she stays the night, telling me every little thought that passes through her mind to distract me. Lilli continues to be there every spare moment she has, listening, and even making me laugh for the next week, but I don’t feel any better. I don’t get out of bed most days and I haven’t left the house since coming home and though she has been as sweet as can be, Lilli reaches her breaking point the morning of my birthday.
“What the hell are you doing, Hannah May George?” She yells as she busts into my room at noon to find me still in bed. The use of my middle name more than the swear lets me know she is fed up with my behavior.
“Sleeping.” I prefer the kind Lilli to the one that I know is about to force me to do something I don’t want to.
“Well, you’ve had enough damn beauty rest that you should be a supermodel at this point, so get up. We are going out for your birthday.” She orders, but I don’t move. I don’t have the energy to get ready or smile and pretend I’m happy for everyone on my birthday.
“I can’t do it, Lilli.”
She stomps closer to me, lowering her face close to mine so I can see all the steely determination in her brown eyes.
“I know your Mama raised you stronger than this, Hannah. Now get out of bed.” She rips the blanket from the bed, but that isn’t what makes me consider getting up. It’s the mention of Mama. She would have given me two days of wallowing and ice cream before she told me that the only way to get over it was to get up and go do anything and everything until I moved on.
Even knowing Mama raised me to be stronger than this, I hesitate, not sure how I can do anything when I’m not sure who I am anymore, but then I remember what Susan had said about how one day it dawned on her that she could save herself. That feeling dawns on me now. No boy, no anybody, not even Mama, could fill the emptiness inside of me where I am supposed to be.
“You’re right.” I get to my feet but feel lost as to what to do. I guess knowing I was the only person that could pull myself out of this funk wasn’t the same as knowing how to do it. I give Lilli a helpless look as I stand there unsure of what to do, but luckily for me, my best friend is always prepared.
“Go take a shower. We are going to the salon for hair and makeup, then we are going shopping, and then we are going to celebrate your birthday by flirting with boys and dancing the night away.” I gratefully follow her orders, knowing I’ll end up back in bed if left to my own devices.
Even with every minute planned out by Lilli, I find the time to feel empty looking at a phone full of birthday wishes from everyone except the one I’m hoping for. Hair and makeup done. No call from Will. New outfit for clubbing tonight. No text from Will. Dancing at the club. No message from Will. First legal alcoholic beverage. Nothing from Will.
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I had held out some hope that he would have sent the simplest of birthday messages. I’d only told him how excited I was a million times, but maybe he forgot. More likely, he doesn’t care. That truth isn’t any easier to bear a week after he let me know exactly that by standing me up at the airport. I guess time doesn’t dull all wounds. What a disappointment.
I dance the night away with Lilli and all my friends despite the disappointment, though. I’m tired of waiting for Will. I’m tired of feeling empty without him. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know who I am, so on that dance floor I vow to myself to find out one thing about myself each day. Day One: I’m Hannah George and I love to dance. I’m fairly certain I’m awful at it, but it makes me happy.
Whether it is the mindless dancing, the exhaustion, or the peace that comes from getting to know myself, I fall asleep a little easier that night. No dread for the next day, no hours of anxiety and feeling lost within myself, just cold, dark sleep.
Staying out way too late doesn’t make getting out of bed when depressed and heartbroken any easier, but it doesn’t make it significantly harder, either. Plus, it gives me a solid reason for feeling like crap other than being a lovesick fool, which is a plus in my eyes. I check my phone. Nothing from Will. I shove my phone to the far side of the bed, remembering my vow to myself. I don’t need Will. I need me.
Chapter 36
I repeat this morning routine for the next week. I fight myself every morning to get out of bed, but at least I’m finally fighting for myself. Day by day I get to know myself again, the girl that existed before she was heartbroken by Will and before Mama died. I keep a running log of all the things I realize about myself.
I love to dance. I hate when people walk slow. I appreciate when people are honest with me. I love my small town. I want to travel the world. I like working with numbers. I find nothing more relaxing than taking Sunny for a walk along the river. I miss my Mama. I’m grateful for my dad. I have the most amazing best-friend in the world. I work hard for what I want.
The list goes on and on, some items minor, others more important, but each is a piece of who I am. With each piece of myself that I find, it is easier to get out of bed and fight for myself because I remember that I do like myself. A week of doing this and I finally feel good enough that I’m able to convince Dad to let me go back to work at the diner.
A girl can only wallow in self-pity for so long before she realizes that she needs to make money if she wants to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I could put heartbreak aside to achieve my dreams. At least that is what Lilli told me when I said I was going back to work. However, it is hard to put it aside when every person who comes to the diner wants to talk about the trip, the book, or that incredibly handsome writer I spent all summer with. I smile through it though. Sandra put me on serving and bussing duty, so I have plenty of time to answer questions, but I wish she would have just shoved me in the corner with the grill.
When Wesley walks through the door with his crooked smile and a backwards baseball cap, a couple of buddies at his side, I wonder if the devil will walk through the door next. I mean, the day couldn’t get any more tiresome. I paste a smile onto my face as I bring out their order and luckily, they restrain themselves to a couple of knowing smirks, which I ignore.
Surprisingly, they don’t give me too much grief and by the time I bring out their bill, they we are all laughing like old times. It feels good to be able to talk to Wesley again. I had missed him. He may have been lacking as a boyfriend, but he had always been a good friend and recently I’ve realized not everyone has the decency to care about you when you are no longer a part of their everyday life. At least I can say Wesley never made me feel like that.
When I come back to clean their table after collecting their check, only Wesley sits there. He gives me a hopeful smile as I approach, so I know he wants to talk. I slide into the booth bench across the table from him and rest my head on my hand as I wait for him to say his piece.
“I missed you, Hannah.” He gives me a tentative smile, like he is afraid I’m going to go off on him. Three months ago, I probably would have.
“I missed you too, Wesley.” I give him a reassuring smile that I hope lets him know I’m willing to be friends again.
“You did?” His expression looks so surprised that I’m afraid I’d laid the drama on at our breakup way too thick. I guess I’ve made that a bad habit.
