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Adriano shook his head. ‘We have to go. It was nice to meet you.’
Adriano turned his back, taking Noah with him, and he heard Birdie’s apologetic voice call after them, “It was good to see you, Noah. I hope you come by next week.”
Noah didn’t turn around. He didn’t even look up from his shoes until Adriano sat him on a bench, and he realized they were at the outskirts of the market. They hadn’t even seen anything before he had to be rescued, not even from the crowd but from a single, friendly man. He curled his hands into fists and squeezed, wanting to feel the pain.
His breathing was a little labored, and he didn’t calm until Adriano pressed strong thumbs into the strained tendons of his wrist. When his hands uncurled, Adriano swung his leg over to straddle the bench, and he waited for Noah to look up.
‘When your grandmother died, you knew you weren’t ever going back.’ It wasn’t a question, but he could see Adriano’s concern.
‘I probably could have taken Adam with me and shut down the bakery,’ Noah admitted. ‘Finished school then. But I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. I was one semester away from graduating, then I got that phone call, and…’ Noah’s hands dropped for a second, and he swallowed back tears he hadn’t cried in so long. ‘After that, I just didn’t want to do anything except get by and keep Adam from spiraling out of control. He was so angry at me for leaving him.’
Adriano cocked his head to the side. ‘He loves you now.’
Noah couldn’t help a bitter laugh and shook his head. ‘Mostly. He resents me a little bit too. We spent the last few years on opposite sides. He thinks I’m too rigid in my beliefs.’
With a soft grin, Adriano reached out and traced the edge of his jaw. ‘You feel soft to me.’
Noah choked back a sob. He wanted to lean in and lose himself in the strong arms of the man who seemed to want him in spite of all the ways he was a disaster, but he couldn’t let himself. Not yet. Maybe not ever. ‘Losing my dad was hard, but he was in the military, and he was gone a lot. My mom lost herself to grief when he died, and I think…’ He glanced away and rubbed at the scar on his chest. He didn’t remember when during the accident he’d gotten it. He didn’t remember feeling pain until days after he left the hospital. He had seventy-three stitches there, and he remembered every eternal minute it took to pull them out. ‘My mom’s car crash was ruled an accident, but I don’t know if I believe that. Sometimes I wonder if it was on purpose. It was a miracle I survived, but I think Adam blames me for living when she didn’t.’
Adriano’s face fell. ‘That’s probably not true.’
Noah gave a small shrug. In truth, it didn’t matter. ‘I was anxious, and my grandmother didn’t know how to deal with it, so she just…hovered. Adam resented me for that. I think he believes things with my mom were better than they were, but…she couldn’t stand him.’
Adriano’s eyes widened. ‘When he was ababy?’
‘He looks exactly like my dad,’ Noah told him with a tense smile. ‘She couldn’t look at him. So I took care of him when my bubbe was working. But I had nightmares all the time of her dying, of him dying. Of being left all alone in this place to rot.’ He closed his eyes and breathed out. ‘After my bubbe died, I made a bargain with Hashem. I would live as strict of an orthodox life as I could manage, and He would keep Adam safe.’
‘Noah…’ Adriano spelled his name in slow, careful letters.
‘I know. It’s stupid. I know that’s not how it works. I know that Hashem probably laughed in my face when I tried to make a deal with Him. But I was too afraid to go back on it. And Adam felt like I would have lost it on him if he told me about how he’d lost his faith. And he was probably right. I’m not great with people, not even my own brother, and I didn’t know how to live outside of my strict rules for so long.’
‘But you’re not like that now,’ Adriano pointed out.
Noah bit his lip, then shrugged. ‘I’m trying to find the path that works for me. The path that isn’t a bargain or me living in abject fear that one wrong move and my brother will die. But I think it made me a difficult person.’
‘Maybe a little difficult but not unkind.’
‘No,’ Noah agreed, ‘but I’m hard to love. My entire life, everyone has made that very clear.’
Adriano cocked his head to the side. ‘I don’t agree with that either.’
Noah tried not to laugh. ‘You don’t know me well enough yet.’
‘Well, I’m here, and I’m willing to give it time.’
Noah bowed his head for a second and took in a shuddering breath before looking up. ‘You deserve better than the mess my life is. I still don’t know what I want out of life, and my business is falling apart. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if it went under, but I don’t know that I have the passion or the want to keep going.’
‘Could you…give it to Adam?’ Adriano offered.
Noah shook his head. ‘It’s too far in the hole even for him to save, and not enough people want what we sell. There’s way too much competition. Besides, Adam wants something of his own, even if he thinks he wants Bubbe’s. He needs to be himself—new and trendy and bright. He’s the lightning in a storm, and he needs to be bigger than this sky.’
Adriano bit his lip. ‘Maybe…’
Noah touched his wrist. ‘No. Even if I can pull myself out of this debt, the bakery has been losing money for years. It’s just…time. The city outgrew it.’
Adriano bowed his head. ‘I’m sorry. I wish I could help.’ He reached for Noah then, but Noah rose, stepping out of his grasp.
He was letting loose now, letting it all come out, and he wasn’t going to stop there. ‘Sorry,’ he said when Adriano looked almost hurt. ‘I’m sorry. Just…There’s more.’
