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Noah: It’s sunset, and I’ve already lit the candles. Go ahead and let yourself in.
Adriano, after all his study, had some idea what this meant. It meant Noah wouldn’t do a lot of things for himself, nothing that was considered work. It meant Adriano could now exist in his space, and take care of him, and fill the places Noah had left vacant until sunset tomorrow.
He hitched Jude up close to his chest, balancing the rest in one hand, then ascended the stairs and went inside. It was dimly lit, the only light from the kitchen and from two candles burning on the table. Noah was on the sofa, and he was smiling at the sight of Adriano, though he didn’t get up.
‘You can turn the lights on if you want,’ Noah told him.
Adriano set Jude down, and he hurried over for some love. His heart went soft as Noah picked up the dog and cuddled him close. ‘It’s romantic like this.’
He saw Noah laugh as Adriano eased down next to him and set the food on the table. ‘It isn’t supposed to be romantic. I always forget to turn enough lights on.’ Noah eased back, not in a hurry to eat, which was fine. Adriano wasn’t ready yet. He just wanted to bask in Noah’s presence for a while. ‘When Adam was younger, he used to turn all the lights off when he was angry at me.’
Adriano’s brow furrowed. ‘That’s cruel.’
Noah shrugged. ‘He was a kid, and I was hard on him about not practicing.’
Shaking his head, Adriano turned more toward him. ‘Taking advantage of your…I don’t know what you call it. Dedication?’
‘Observance,’ Noah spelled.
Adriano nodded. ‘You can’t turn the lights back on. It’s cruel.’
Noah’s face fell a little, the light in his eyes dimming. Adriano could tell he was approaching a line if not crossing it. ‘Adam could be mean. He spent his whole life knowing he missed out on what I had: memories of our mother and attention from our grandmother. I don’t think he knew what it cost me, and I didn’t know enough to communicate that to him.’
Adriano watched Noah’s face as he signed, the way he half moved his lips around some words, the way he fumbled and spelled a lot but made it so easy for Adriano to just understand him. ‘Did you ever tell him?’
Noah shook his head. ‘I didn’t want to ruin what he knew, what he thought he knew. My mother was not well, and she was not kind. She hated Adam because he looked like my dad, but she hated me more because I wasn’t enough to make the pain go away. She’d go out and get drunk, then spend hours telling me how terrible her life was here. I wanted to fix it for her so badly. I wanted to make the pain stop, but I think she wanted to die miserable.’
Adriano reached over and cupped Noah’s cheek, brushing his thumb over cool skin. Noah turned his head and kissed Adriano’s fingers. ‘You deserved better.’
‘Adam and I both did. Bubbe didn’t know what to do with me, so she just…She fed me and comforted me. She tried to soothe my worries by sheltering me. That just made it worse. I felt normal in college for a little while, but…’ Noah’s fingers hovered halfway through the sign, then dropped.
Adriano felt his heart twist. He wanted to shake Noah’s brother a little bit and force him to look beyond his own nose and his own heart to see what Noah had done for him. But a part of him also knew that Noah hadn’t done his part in giving Adam the opportunity to know what he was going through.
Being the baby of his family, Adriano had been sheltered from the worst of what life could throw. If his parents didn’t step in, then his brothers or sisters would. Noah was complicated, and his past was so different from what Adriano had ever known.
‘Do you want to eat?’ Adriano asked.
Noah laughed, then eased Jude off him and sat up. ‘Yes. Will you unwrap it all?’
Adriano had no trouble doing that. In fact, he wanted to do more. He wanted to cup his hands around Noah and protect him from anything else that might dig in claws and leave behind scars. He knew he couldn’t, not entirely, but he could still cushion the way down from every fall. If Noah would let him.
* * *
It wasn’tNoah’s first Shabbat with company. Bubbe had always made it fun, even with a reluctant Adam who even at such an early age had started to push at the confines of their religion. When he was scolded, he’d shuffle into the bathroom and slam the door, flicking the lights on and off until Bubbe put him in his room.
When Noah returned from school, he tried to enforce it, but Adam would simply stare at Noah, then hit the lights and leave him in the dark. Noah didn’t give up immediately, but when he realized what Adam was doing—forcing him to make a choice between keeping and breaking the Shabbat—he gave up. He wasn’t going to force Adam to observe, to believe, to even care if he didn’t want to. Adam’s identity as a Jewish man didn’t rest on how he practiced. He was no less than Noah.
And it wasn’t until years later that he realized his mistake. Adam wasn’t looking to hurt Noah. Not at first. He was goading Noah into breaking his strict resolve because he was feeling unloved. The pain of the realization hit him, the pain that Adam would use his religion and faith in that choice gutted him like no other.
He had no way of explaining to Adam that choosing that path—turning away from assimilation, from what was easy, from the things that brought him some measure of joy—was allforAdam. It was all to hold up his end of a flimsy bargain so Noah wouldn’t spend the rest of his life totally alone.
They were both a mess. They had both stripped each other of all the comfort and safety that could be had between siblings.
They were better now. Now that Adam had met Talia and found some sort of peace and happiness with whatever they had, there was room for healing. But Noah knew they could never have what they once might have been able to if their dad hadn’t died, if their mother hadn’t been so selfish, if Bubbe hadn’t worked herself into an early grave.
But it was what it was.
Friday evening, Noah found himself with his head in Adriano’s lap, with thick fingers brushing through his curls. He was full from a hot meal—something he hadn’t had on a Friday since before he’d left school. Noah felt peace during the Shabbat for the first time in years. He felt safe, and cherished. He felt like himself. And Adriano seemed more than content to allow Noah those hours to himself, not demanding anything of him, just existing with him.
