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Instead, he chose to stay by my side.
My emotions threaten to burst forth, spilling out all over the place just to leave another mess for us both to clean up.
“I hate to ask, since the answer seems obvious, but are you alright?” Ruslan asks, sliding his hand from my thigh to my shoulder and giving a reassuring squeeze.
Tears begin to fall straight from my eyes, overflowing onto my shirt as I struggle helplessly to stop them.
“I’m so sorry about Yan, Ruslan. I know I keep saying it, and it’s probably making all of this harder for you. But his death was my fault, and I’ll never forgive myself for getting in the way and costing him his life.”
“Vera... the life that Yan knew, the life I still live, is extremely dangerous. Yan had survived tons of shootouts and gunfights, even getting shot a few times. It’s a miracle that he didn’t die before I even met him. He chose to stay in the bratva because that was his life, it was his family. He died for his family, not because you got in the way.”
I want to respond, but my small, stupid, limited life experience has caused my well of thoughts to dry up in the face of such immense tragedy.
“It’s all over now, Vera. Derick is dead, and Theo doesn’t matter. Even if I never find him, the threat that Derick posed is gone. Yan was instrumental in making that happen, and I’m certain that this is a result that he was willing to face,” he continues.
I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. It's hard to do that when Ruslan is looking at me with so much love and concern. I can feel my eyes start to overflow again, but I quickly wipe the tears away before they can fall.
“I'm sorry,” I say. “I know I'm being emotional. It's just that I can't shake off the feeling that Yan's death was my fault. I should have done more to protect him.”
“No, it's not your fault,” Ruslan insists. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I should have known better than to let him get involved with this at his age. But we can't change the past. What we can do is honor Yan's memory and make sure that his death wasn't in vain.”
I nod, allowing his words to create a small pocket of forgiveness toward myself and hope for the future.
“I need you, Vera,” Ruslan continues, moving his hand back down to my thigh. “I love you, and I will never let you go. I trust you to be the best mother my child could ever ask for, and I need you to know that I will do anything for you.”
My heart swells with love and gratitude. I need Ruslan just as much as he needs me. The thought of having a child with him fills me with a strange mix of excitement and uncertainty, but I know that we'll find a way to carry each other through this weird little life of ours.
“I need you too, Ruslan,” I say, squeezing his hand. “And if I have to spend the rest of my life as a misfit and an outsider, so be it. I always was one, anyway.”
I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'll never fit in with the rich kids from my school, but now I realize how small and unimportant their approval is. I have something far more valuable in my relationship with Ruslan than I ever had in my friendships in college.
I continue driving as we sit in silence together, our hands still entwined.
“You might start to recognize this area once we get further into the country,” Ruslan says as I approach a single-lane road.
Now that I’ve gained the mental clarity to observe my surroundings, I realize that we're headed to the abandoned barn where Ruslan and I had sex for the first time. My stomach leaps at the memory, and a rush of sweet contentment fills me from the top of my head down to my toes.
After a few more turns and winding roads, we approach the barn at the end of a dead-end dirt road. Relief, heartbreak, and hope all sing together in my chest, and I reach over to brush Ruslan’s cheek, perhaps to transfer some of my feelings onto him.
Being back here brings back memories of our first night together, and I feel closer to Ruslan than ever.
We get out of the car and start walking towards the river near the barn. The sun is starting to set, casting a golden glow over everything after days of grey skies.
Ruslan leads me back into the barn to see if we can find any shovels, and we spot two hanging on the wall right next to the place where we fell asleep together.
Walking down to the river to bury Ruslan’s mentor and father-figure is the most sobering thing I’ve ever experienced. Facing death has always been hard for me, but after being forced to look it in the eyes so many times in such a short period of time, I can finally look it in the eyes.
As Ruslan digs the grave, I watch in silence, feeling the weight of Yan's death on my shoulders. My heart aches as I watch Ruslan silently mourn the loss of his mentor. It pains me so deeply knowing that he's not just saying goodbye to Yan, but also to a huge part of what shaped him into the man he is today.
The river near the barn is calm and serene, offering a peaceful landscape for Yan's final resting place. I can see the reflection of the trees on the water, and it's as if nature is mourning alongside us. The sun is setting, casting a golden glow over the water, and it feels like a fitting tribute to Yan's life.
Ruslan finishes shoveling the dirt and turns to me. His eyes are red and swollen, but his expression is resolute. He takes my hand in his, and I feel a sense of comfort and strength in his touch. We stand in silence for a few moments, just looking down at Yan's grave, lost in our thoughts.
I take Yan’s feet as Ruslan takes his arms, and we place him gently into the soft earth that Ruslan has prepared for him.
Once Yan’s body has been positioned in a dignified manner, Ruslan takes a deep breath and starts to speak. “I stand here today to say goodbye to a man who was more than just a brother to me. Yan was my mentor, my guide, and my friend. He taught me everything I know about the Bratva, and he did it all with love in his heart despite his stoic nature,” he begins, his voice wavering under the pressure of his sadness.
He pauses to catch himself, staying silent for a moment before he continues. “Yan taught me what it meant to be a member of the Bratva, and he showed me how to lead with integrity. He was loyal, he was dedicated, and he was willing to do whatever it took to protect his family. He was a father figure to me and Misha, always looking out for us even when we didn't realize it. He raised us in this life, and he showed us what it meant to be strong in the face of adversity. He taught us the value of family and the importance of loyalty.”
