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She was going to slap his shoulder, but the gesture didn’t come off pal-ish as she’d meant. She sort of brushed it instead. Her fingers tingled where she’d touched him. He looked at his shoulder and back at her. Now he looked confused.
“I’ll be there,” she promised.
When she let herself quietly in the door, she saw the flickering blue light of the television in the living room. She tiptoed in to say good night to Greta, but she was already asleep in the armchair, her head lolling. In front of her was perched a tray on a stand with the remnants of her dinner. Friday was her TV night. It made Bridget sad to look at her. Her life was so small, and so simple, and so completely unremarkable. Could Bridget ever fit into a life that small?
And then she couldn’t help thinking of Marly. Marly’s life had never been small or simple. With Marly, you woke up to a different world every day. Every hour had been remarkable, good or bad. Did living big mean ending up like her?
Standing there in the living room, where Marly had preened with a thousand dates and Greta snoozed in front of the television, Bridget wondered whether it came down to the claustrophobic choice between dying beautiful or living ugly.
Tibberon: Lenny, I’m happy for you and Kostos. But please don’t tell me you did it. Can’t handle that right now.
Lennyk162: Didn’t, Tib. Don’t be scared. But I can’t lie. I wanted to. It may be soon.
It was late. Carmen had spent all afternoon and evening at Lena’s. Her head was full of love and passion—Lena’s love and passion—and it was thrilling but threatening, too. It was one more thing to separate them from their common childhood.
By the time Carmen got home, her thoughts stretched out, forward and backward, in a full and sentimental way. It made her miss her mother and yearn for her, even though Christina was lying in the next room.
Carmen pulled on a sleeping T-shirt and brushed her teeth, and then she crawled into her mother’s bed. It was still, even when they were at odds, the softest place in the universe. Christina rolled over and propped her head on her elbow. Usually on nights like this, she would rub Carmen’s back, but tonight Carmen didn’t wriggle in quite that close. She didn’t deserve it yet.
“Mama?”
“Yes?”
Carmen sniffed a little. “I need to tell you something.”
“Okay.” Christina had probably known this was coming sometime.
“Remember the Sunday when you were still with David and you thought he didn’t call all day?”
Christina thought back. “Yes,” she said.
“Well, he did call. I rewound his message and a new one recorded over it by mistake. I should have told you the truth, but I didn’t.”
From the look on Christina’s face, there was anger, but it wasn’t right up close. “That was a shabby thing to do, Carmen.”
“I know it was, and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for that, and I’m sorry for the awful things I said. I’m sorry I made you so unhappy.”
Christina nodded.
“I’m sorry I ruined it for you and David. I wish I hadn’t.” Carmen’s eyes filled up. “I don’t know why I did it.”
Christina still didn’t say anything. She had a knack for waiting out Carmen’s lies.
“Okay, I do know why I did it. I was scared it would be the end of you and me.”
Her mother reached over and touched her hair. “You made mistakes. But you aren’t the only one,” Christina said slowly. “I did too. I let it go too fast. I got carried away.” Christina’s eyes were fixed tightly and intently on Carmen’s face. “But listen to me, nena. There could never be an end of you and me.”
Carmen felt a tear dribble down her elbow and soak into the mattress. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Have you wanted to meet a David for a long time? This whole time of just being us, have you been lonely?”
“Oh, no. No.” She petted Carmen’s head like she had when Carmen was a child. “I’ve been so happy being your mother.”
Carmen felt her chin quivering. “Really?”
“More than anything else.”
“Oh.” Carmen smiled shakily. “I’ve been happy being your daughter.”
They both rolled onto their backs and looked up at the ceiling.
“Mama, what do you want?”
Christina thought for a while. “Falling in love is a wonderful feeling. But it was scary how it took me over. I don’t know if I want that.”
“Hmmm …” Carmen considered the cracks in the plaster molding.
“What about you, sweet? What do you want?”
“Well.” Carmen lifted her arms in the air and locked her elbows. She examined her hands up there. “Let’s see. I want you to leave me alone, but not ignore me. I want you to miss me when I go away to college, but not be sad. I want you to stay exactly the same, but not be lonely or alone. I want to do the leaving, and not have you ever leave me. That’s not really fair, is it?”
Christina shrugged. “You’re the daughter. I’m the mother. It’s not meant to be fair.” She laughed. “I don’t recall you changing any diapers.”
Carmen laughed too.
“Oh, and one other thing.” Carmen rolled back onto her side, facing her mom. “I want you to be happy.”
She let her words sink down upon them. After a while she wriggled in close enough for her mom to rub her back.
Bee,
I send you the Pants full of love and strangeness. I’m living in another world here. I know you’ll understand, Bee, because you live here too. I don’t just mean doing major things with a guy, although I understand a lot more about that now. I mean putting yourself out there in the way of overwhelming happiness and knowing you’re also putting yourself in the way of terrible harm. I’m scared to be this happy. I’m scared to be this extreme.
But you are here with me, Bee. I always wished I were as brave as you.
Love,
Lena
If the missing and wanting had been hard before, it was nearly unbearable now. It felt to Lena like the multitude of her thoughts and dreams and fantasies about Kostos weighed down the hours and made them go extra slowly.
She was living outside herself, living for when they could be together. That was what she had wanted so badly to avoid. But Lena realized now, maybe that was just how much love cost.
When he’d called her on Monday, she had literally caressed the phone. She would rather have listened to him breathe for an hour than hang up.
When he’d called Tuesday, she had giggled for an hour and a half, causing herself to wonder whether the real Lena was perhaps locked up in a closet somewhere with duct tape binding her mouth.
He hadn’t called Wednesday, and when he called on Friday, he didn’t sound right. His voice had a flatness she hardly recognized. “I’m afraid I may not be able to come this weekend.”
She felt suddenly dizzy. “Why not?”
“I—I may have to go back.”
“To go back where?”
“To Greece,” he said.
She gasped. “Is your bapi okay?”
He was silent for a minute. “Yes, I think he’s fine.”
