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Joel pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath to calm himself. Flying off the handle wasn't going to help. It was eleven years since the last time he had felt so volatile, and that really hadn't ended so well. Since that night, he had vowed to never let his rage loose ever again, and now his restraint was legendary. It was the foundation of his character. He'd always been even tempered anyway, never been given over to excessive shows of pleasure or regret or anger, no matter how much elation or despair or fury he might feel, so this sudden sense of being out of control was majorly disconcerting.
Right now, he just wanted to march right back into Desirae's office, pitch her over his shoulder and carry her off somewhere private. Then he could tie her up, gag her and get everything he needed to say off his chest without any interruptions. And after that, he could turn her over his knee, spank her bare backside long and hard for running out on him until she sobbed and repented and begged and then, finally, he could plunge his hard, aching cock deep inside her tight, wet heat and pound away his frustrations. Maybe he'd fuck her face, first, just to remind her that her mouth was not for backchat…and what the fucking hell was he thinking!
Jesus, this excessive preoccupation had to stop. What on God's green earth had come over him?
He never let women get this far under his skin. He was the one in command; he could take them or leave them and their time together was always on his terms. If he said jump, they asked how high, and they felt the sting of his lash if it wasn't enough to satisfy him.
And they never followed him into the boardroom, not physically and sure as hell not mentally. When it came down to business, nothing interfered with his train of thought, the areas of his life were strictly compartmentalised and there was absolutely no overlap.
Joel dragged his hands through his hair, tugging on the ends to try and relieve the strain that was building in his head.
It was her! She was doing this to him. His memory of their flawless scenes together and of her being his perfect submissive was battling with this new image of her as a successful and competent business woman, muddying the waters and blurring the edges between his business and his personal life. Sure, he had wondered earlier if he couldn't have it all with the woman Daisy Kidde had become, but that had been a clinical thing. He always imagined that if he ever took a wife, it would probably be more out of duty once he really couldn't put it off any longer, and his wife would occupy just another segment that would be completely separate from all the other sections of his life. He realised now that that couldn't happen with Desirae Harper; those blurred edges meant that his nicely ordered compartments merged into one another and that actually scared the shit out of him.
Joel rubbed at his chest and realised that his breathing had become rapid and shallow. He forced a couple of deep breaths, shocked at the sharp feeling of panic. It was all right. He was getting ahead of himself. All of this was just thoughts bouncing around in his head. None of it was real. All he needed to do was persuade her to scene with him one more time. It could be cathartic for both of them, and he would see that his memories had idealised her and that she wasn't really as perfect as he believed. And then he would be able to get her out of his system once and for all, put his ghosts to rest and walk away—finally move forward with his life. Maybe find that wife and start on those children his father was so desperate to see.
Yes! That was a plan. Joel's breathing slowed and he sighed in relief as he finally started to feel more in control again. It would all be fine. He just needed to steer this situation the way he wanted it to go, and he'd start right now, by making it clear to Desirae Harper that while she might not appreciate being his unfinished business, it was in the best interests of both of them to just deal with it and get it put aside so they could move forward. She needed to understand that he wasn't going to be taking 'no' for an answer. Once she accepted that, she would capitulate, and he could get his equilibrium back.
Joel strode back to her office determined that, unlike the last time, this skirmish was going to go his way.
He pushed the door open and took a breath, ready to tell her how it was, then stopped dead as he was confronted with Desirae, standing right where he'd left her, but wrapped securely in the arms of his cousin. Jake's big frame surrounded her, his arms wrapped tight about her waist, his head ducked low so his cheek nuzzled hers as he rocked her gently and murmured intimately in her ear.
Joel felt the breath leave his body as if he'd been sucker punched for a second time that day and a pain so visceral it felt like someone had taken his heart and squeezed it in a vice. His shock was doubled, when Jake suddenly looked around and pierced him with a warning look. Joel took a step back at the fierce protection in Jake's gaze and felt as if he'd been doubly betrayed. Jake was like a brother to him. There was less than a year between them, and they had grown up together without siblings. The two sons of two brothers, both involved in the family business. It had always been him and Jake against the world, and whenever a woman had strayed into both of their orbits, they had simply shared her.
Joel backed out of the room, denying to himself that there had been even the slightest stumble. Denying himself the urge to run and trying to deny that the intimacy he had witnessed between Desirae and Jake had damn near ripped his heart out.
This was a good thing, he tried fiercely to persuade himself. Jake would ease the way for him; Jake would agree to setting up a scene for the two of them with Daisy…Desirae. Jake would be able to talk her into it. There was no gaping hole where his heart used to be, and if he was feeling momentarily betrayed, then it was just the shock of the moment and he would damn well get over it.
Chapter Eleven
Desirae basked in the comfort of Jake's embrace. It had been so long since she had been able to lean on someone else, even if it was just fleetingly. She closed her eyes and tried to physically absorb the sensations of warmth and tenderness and refuge that she felt in his arms, so that she could take them out and remember them during those times when her loneliness finally caught up with her. The only thing that could improve on how she felt now was if it was Joel holding her tightly and keeping her demons at bay, instead of his cousin.
Desirae squeezed her eyes tightly closed. She didn't want to think about Joel. Didn't want to think about her reaction to him or accept the truth that she was probably still in love with the man. He was bad for her. So very bad for her, and as she stood in the shelter of Jake's arms, she began to feel defeated all over again. She had tried so hard to rebuild her 'life after Joel'.
It had taken every tiny iota she had left inside her to pick herself up, to glue back together all the broken fragments of herself and finally move on. She'd had to alter her entire persona just to be able to do it. She'd changed every single aspect of her life just to give herself the strength to sweep away the past and find a different future, but in the space of just a few short hours, seeing Joel again had undermined her very foundation. She could feel the cracks veining the façade she had built around herself and was scared that she was ready to crumble into pieces.
"Oh, Daisy, what happened to you?" Jake whispered in her ear, his voice oddly tormented.
Desirae laughed humourlessly. "Life happened, Jake. I was a foolish, naïve little girl, and life turned around and bitch slapped me in the face. It was bound to happen, sooner or later."
"Damn it, Daisy!"
"Please, Jake, don't call me that. I'm not that girl anymore, and I can't take the constant reminders of my stupidity. My name is Desirae now."
"You were never stupid," Jake huffed. "You were sweet and kind and cheerful, like a breath of pure, clean air. It made me happy just to be around you. And not just me, either. You're not really this hard, detached bitch that you've made yourself into. I don't believe you could have changed the very core of your being. I think Daisy is still in there somewhere."
Desirae was shocked at the accuracy of Jake's statement. No one in the world knew that the core of Daisy lived deep inside her, occasionally pushing at the walls and trying to get out.
"I can't be Daisy again!" she gasped with an edge of panic in her voice, forgetting to shield her response. "I can't open myself to that level of pain anymore. It would destroy me."
She couldn't stop the tremor that the very idea brought from trembling through her entire being or the goose bumps that raised on her arms, so she raised her hands and, instead, tried to rub them away.
"Well, you can't continue like this, either!" Jake declared. "Look at you! You've cut yourself off from the world, from all the good things it can hold. From even the most basic relationships, and it's slowly killing you."
Jake tightened his hold and squeezed. "You can't sustain this level of detachment. It's not healthy. I know you, sweetheart. You try and continue living your life this way, then you're going to burn yourself out, and that really would be a travesty."
Jake kissed her temple. "Maybe you can't be Daisy again. I guess you're right and too much has happened to be able to recapture all that innocence and simplicity. I understand that you don't want to be gullible or vulnerable again, but there must be some kind of happy medium, and I feel like I owe it to you to help you find that person.
Jake turned her around to face him and smiled his trademark cheeky smile.
