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After a long day at the zoo, we’re in our little kitchen cooking together. Today has been the most fun we’ve had since we moved here. I finally saw polar bears up close. Alexa seemed to love everything.
Overall, it was a perfect day. I feel closer to Axel than I have in a long time.
Since she was exhausted from all the new experiences, I put Alexa in bed as soon as we got home.
Axel wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder watching as I toss a mixture of diced salmon, garlic, panko, and green onions together.
“Where’s my egg white mixture?” I ask, teasing him with my bossy kitchen tone.
He places a kiss on my cheek. “Right here, chef.”
After I form the burgers, he takes over transferring them to the sizzling hot pan and cooking them, while I assemble the rest of the dinner.
Things feel so easy and calm for a change, I blurt out what I’ve been thinking about for a few days now. “I’m thinking of flying home after you go back to work.”
He stares at me for a few seconds. “Again?”
“My brother’s still pretty messed up. Do you want me to wait until you’re home so you can go with us?”
He doesn’t even pretend to think about it. “No. Go while I’m on shift.”
“Fine.”
“I thought he was in a rehab facility now?”
“He is. Hope says he’s had a few setbacks. Maybe seeing Alexa will help.”
“It can’t be good for Alexa to do so much flying.”
As if you give a shit.
That’s not something a good wife—a wife who’s working on her marriage—says, so I choke the words back down my throat. My shoulders lift. “She did fine. I think it was good for her to be around the family. She loved playing with my brother.” I leave out the part about Murphy getting her to laugh.
He rolls his eyes and I resist the urge to smack him. Barely.
“I don’t like you traveling alone with her.”
“Axel, I’m basically a single parent while you’re away. What does it matter if I do it here or somewhere else?”
“That’s not fair, Heidi. I’m doing all this for us.”
I really don’t want to fight with him. But it’s so hard not to call bullshit. Instead, I point at the frying pan. “I think they’re done.”
I fucked up when Heidi returned home. Such a stupid, simple thing. Forgetting to pick her up at the airport. I felt like a piece of shit, but sorry was all I came up with.
So, when Heidi asked me to switch shifts so I could spend two weeks with her instead of one, I jumped at it.
Having her back in New York for so long scared me. I feared she might not come back. And I couldn’t bear the thought of life without Heidi.
When she mentioned counseling, I realized how bad things had gotten and promised myself I’d work harder.
Now she’s telling me she wants to go home again. What if she doesn’t come back this time?
She points at the salmon burgers. “I think they’re done.”
But all I hear her saying is I think we’re done.
I grab the spatula to flip the burgers out of the pan and onto our plates. “When can we make these for Alexa?”
She chuckles as she carries the plates to the table and sets them down. “If you read any of the baby stuff I gave you, you’d know.”
“I’m a real slacker, huh?”
A quick smile brightens her face and she pokes me in the side. “Yeah, you are.”
I catch her hand and bring it to my mouth. “Don’t go home by yourself. I’ll go with you.” The words fly out before I have a chance to think them over. But the relief on her face, the way her eyes shine, the wide smile, all let me know it’s the right decision. As much as I don’t want anything to do with the club any more, I really should do this.
Besides, it will be easier to break my news to her.
“You haven’t told me a lot about what you do on the rig,” she says as we dig into our dinner.
I haven’t talked about it much, because I feel her unhappiness about the job and things in general and don’t want to rub in how happy I am. “I love it, really.”
She raises an eyebrow for me to continue and seems genuinely interested. “Yeah, it’s exciting. I’m not stuck under a truck every day or hoping enough vehicles come in for me to keep my job. It’s long hours and hard work, but it’s challenging and each day is a little bit different. It’s intense.”
“It seems so isolated.”
The solitude is one of my favorite things about the job, but I’m afraid that will hurt Heidi’s feelings so I don’t say it. “It is. But we have a good crew. Everyone gets along. There aren’t any slackers or whiners. The work’s dangerous, and Lucas says throwing one bad apple into the mix can fuck up the whole crew.”
Heidi’s mouth turns down at the dangerous part. It’s been one of her biggest complaints about the job. The hefty life insurance policy the company provides didn’t make her feel any better about it. I haven’t even told her about the new job I’m training for. It’s mostly underwater repair work. Dangerous, but the pay is crazy. Lucas was insanely jealous when I told him about the offer. I felt a little guilty since he’s the one who brought me into the company.
Heidi taps the back of my hand with her fork to get my attention. “Do they have any rigs in New York?”
“You really want to go home bad, huh?”
“I’m trying, Axel.” She sets her fork down and sits back, staring me right in the eye. “But I hate it here. Maybe it will be different in the summer, but honestly, I’m miserable.”
I clear my throat then bite back my words. Now’s not the time to tell her my news. “Well, it’s only another eight months.”
“Do you have to go?” I whisper when Axel’s alarm goes off.
He turns and pulls me into his arms. “Yeah, baby. You know I do.”
“But now you have to work three weeks?” I already know the answer, but the three weeks looming ahead of me feel so bleak.
“It was worth it to spend extra time with you.”
I love the way he says that. We snuggle together a little longer before Alexa starts wailing, and I groan. “I’ll get her,” he says, kissing the tip of my nose.
He carries her in and gives her to me so I can feed her. “Think she’ll be able to eat solid food when I get back?” he asks while watching me.
I try to do the math in my head. “Maybe. I can always pump if you want to feed her.”
“No. It’s good bonding for you two. She’s used to it.”
The three of us are quiet for a few minutes. Quiet and together. It’s nice. Then it’s time to get ready to drop Axel at his office, where he’ll get flown by helicopter to his rig.
He doesn’t have a lot to say on the drive there. In my head, I imagine it’s because he’s going to miss us, or maybe he’s worried about what work is waiting for him on the rig.
I park the truck and he taps my hand. “They want to promote me,” he blurts out.
“That’s great! Why didn’t you say so sooner?” The words tumble from my mouth before I realize what he’s saying. More time in Alaska.
“The project’s in Indonesia. It doesn’t start until I’m done here, but I need to give them an answer soon.”
I’m stunned. Every bit of air has been sucked from my lungs so I can’t even give him the answer spinning through my head, which is fuck no or fuck that, I’m not sure, but fuck is definitely part of it. Because by the look on his face, I can tell he wants to take the job.
“Axel,” I say a whole lot calmer than I feel. “I can’t think of any place I want to live less. Aren’t there any oil rigs in say, Texas? Or Louisiana? Maybe Florida? At least some place that if I can’t be home in New York, where you promised me we’d be next year, it’d be someplace I’d want to be?” I’m pretty close to yelling now, so I stop and take a few deep breaths. Behind me, Alexa squeals, agitated by my raised voice. I reach back and tickle her
toes to calm her, and myself.
“There’s another project I can sign on for here, but it would be the same position.”
“Did you hear anything I just said?”
“I heard you.”
“What about school? I’m supposed to finish next year when we’re home.”
“So, enroll here and finish.”
“Axel, I hate it here. I don’t know if I can finish out this year, and you’re asking me to stay for another one? When you promised me it was only for one year?” I feel it’s important to keep mentioning that last part.
“Heidi. I’m good at this job. I like it.”
“Well, good for you. At least one of us gets to be happy.”
“You don’t understand, the pay is—”
“I don’t care about the money!” I shout, finally losing it. “Money won’t give us more time together. Money won’t give Alexa back all the time she’s missing with her father. It won’t give me back the time I’m missing with my family. Don’t you get it?”
He drops his head and covers his face with his hands. “Fuck. This is why I waited to talk to you about it. I knew you’d be pissed.”
“Ya think?”
“Look, it sucks now because it’s winter. Wait until it warms up. Summer is supposed to be beautiful here. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe I can arrange my schedule next year so we can take off during the worst part of it, or you can go home then or something. We’ll figure it out.”
“How could you do this?”
He has the nerve to ask, “What?”
“Make a decision without consulting me. Again.”
“I didn’t. I haven’t—”
“Bullshit! You’re doing it again. You’re telling me instead of discussing it with me. I’m your wife, not some stuffed animal you drag around on all your adventures.”
He reaches out and brushes his hand over my cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“So am I.”
Penny and Lucas pull up next to us and wave.
It’s time for my husband to go.
What is it about me that makes it so easy for people to leave me?
“He’s back on your rotation?” I ask.
“Yup.” He flashes a smile, clearly thrilled to get back to his job. “Thank God. It’s really boring without him there.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. “I love you. We’ll figure all this out.”
I can’t answer or I’ll start sobbing.
There’s no figuring it out. We want opposite things and can’t seem to meet in the middle no matter what.
As I watch him and Lucas walk away, laughing and joking with each other, I struggle to shut down the little voice in my head that says this is the end.
“You planning to give him the good news today?” Wrath asks as I get up from the war room table.
“Fuck yeah, I am.”
The good news is that Killa has been found and dealt with. Wrath found him, and I ended him.
Justice for Mariella—an innocent. And justice for my best friend who still can’t fucking walk.
I didn’t lose any sleep over it.
Maybe that makes me a bad person. I don’t waste a lot of time worrying about it.
In our world, payback is swift and brutal and often final.
That leaves one remaining Viper on the loose. Ransom. In time, we’ll find him and take him out, too.
Rock nods at me. “Go ahead. Hope and I will be down later.”
“Trinity and I will be down, too,” Wrath adds
Having us all visiting Teller is less about security now and more about keeping his spirits up. Rehab hasn’t been going well for him.
He’s looking gloomier than ever when I walk in.
We’ve known each other so long, he knows something’s up.
“It’s done.”
“Killa?”
“Last night,” I confirm.
“Should have been me.”
“I know, brother. But we couldn’t risk—”
He grabs my arm, stopping me. “I understand. Thank you.”
That’s the last we talk about it.
He’s grumpy about everything else. Physical therapy, his therapist not working him hard enough, but then ten seconds later he bitches that he’s seeing her too often and he’s tired.
I’m a little relieved when Hope and Rock show up. Although, watching them hold hands and be so affectionate with each other is a bit nauseating in my current mood.
Wrath and Trinity show up next. Wrath jerks his head toward the hallway, and Rock and I follow him out.
“He’s bitchier than usual, so good luck,” I say to Wrath.
“Great.”
Inside the room, I hear Hope and Trinity fussing over Teller. An effort to distract him from the fact that the three of us are in the hall talking about him like he’s a two year old.
Wrath pins Rock with one of his scary faces—one that has no effect on Rock whatsoever—and explains what he thinks is bothering Teller. “He said something about how if he never regains the use of his legs, he’s out of the club.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Rock groans. “He got injured over a club beef, and he thinks we’re gonna toss him out. Asshole,” Rock mutters.
“Yeah, well, try to work it into the conversation that he’s not going anywhere,” Wrath suggests before taking off down the hall.
“Did you give him the news?” Rock asks as I’m about to step inside.
“Yeah. It made him happy for about a second.”
“Wanted it to be him, right?”
“Yes,” I answer. He slaps me on the back and places his hand at the back of my neck, walking me into the room.
Teller lifts his chin at me. “Hey, Fucker.”
“Can’t you be nice to each other?” Hope teases.
“Morning, Blake, are you finished ratting me out to dad?” Teller says with a big smirk on his face. Well, I guess being a cocky dick is better than the usual attitude we’ve been getting from him lately.
Rock groans and Hope playfully slaps Teller’s shoulder. “That’s not what I meant.”
Wrath returns with lunch for everyone, and we’re our regular rowdy selves. So much so, that one of the nurses stops in to ask us to keep it down.
“I’m pretty sure I’m the youngest person here,” Teller says after she leaves.
I’m trying to come up with a casual way of asking if Teller’s heard from Heidi when he leans over and grabs his phone. “Got this from my sister the other day.” He passes it to Hope, and I restrain myself from snatching the phone out of her hand.
“Aw, cute. She told me he took some time off, and they were doing a lot of family stuff.”
Hope passes it to me, and it’s a picture of Heidi and Alexa at what looks like a zoo. “Cute,” I say, handing it back to Teller.
I’m happy for her. I really am. Glad the little punk is finally treating her right.
“She say when she’s coming back?” Rock asks.
Hope jumps and pulls her phone out of her back pocket. “It’s like she knew we were talking about her,” she jokes. “Hi, Heidi, we were just—”
Hope’s eyes widen, her jaw drops. “Heidi, calm down.” She paces to the other side of the room, while every one of us focuses on her side of the conversation. “What did they tell you?”
“Hope, what’s wrong?” Marcel demands.
She shakes her head and holds her hand up. Teller turns his glare on Rock, silently asking him to get a hold of his wife, I guess.
Wrath gets up and closes the door, while Rock joins Hope by the window. He gently pries the phone out of her hands and hits the speaker button.
Heidi’s anxious voice fills the room. “I don’t know what to do, they’re not telling me anything, but the explosion was bad. It’s all over the news. The other families are meeting at the company’s local office to wait for information, but I don’t want to bring Alexa down there—”
“Heidi, it’s Rock. Calm down.”
She bursts into tears. Teller and I exchange a look.
“Honey, I’m visiting with your brother,” Hope says calmly.
“Oh. Oh, okay.”
Hope crosses the room and sits next to Teller.
“Heidi, what’s going on?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” She sobs. “They just called and said there was an explosion. Half the crew is missing, the rest are either injured or—”
Trinity gasps and even though Heidi can’t say the word, we all know.
An avalanche of guilt lands on my shoulders. Shit. I may not have liked the kid. Didn’t think he was right for Heidi. Might have wanted to kick his ass a few times. But I’d never wish this on him. Or her.
Hope shoots a pleading look at Rock and he nods. “Heidi, is Penny around?”
“Yes. She’s on the phone with Lucas’s family.”
“Okay. Have you called Axel’s parents?”
“No. Not yet.”
“Do that,” she directs, utterly calm and unruffled. “Let them know what’s going on. Then stick with Penny. I’m going to find a flight up there. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“You’ll do that? Come all the way up here?”
“Yes. Give me a little time to figure it out. I’ll call you back.”
“Thank you.”
Hope’s trembling as she ends the call and sets her phone down. She held it together the whole time she was on the phone, but now she leans against Rock and cries softly. I know she spent some time with Axel when he was prospecting for us and liked him.
Teller looks like he wants to strangle something. “I hate this,” he growls. “Fucking hate that I’m stuck here.”
I know where I’m headed. I’m just waiting for prez to give me the go ahead. He stares at me with a raised eyebrow and squeezes Hope tighter. “I can’t have her going up there alone. I need to be here for that meet.”
“I got her, prez.”
“Thank you,” Teller says.
Rock nods at me. “Okay.” The I’m trusting you with my wife in his expression isn’t lost on me.
Hope wipes her face and straightens up. “Shit. If he’s… If he’s really…we’ll have to help her pack up their apartment and whatever else she needs. We might be gone for a while, Rock.”
