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“Let’s get to bed,” Carla said. “We’ve got all morning to exchange information.”
“And don’t worry about teams,” Taylor said. “No matter what, if you’ve made it this far, you’ll be put in a group somewhere.”
I sucked in fresh air, dropping heavily on my cot and lying down. Lights went out.
My lungs burned with needing to cry more, but I held back, saving the others from my misery.
I turned toward the wall.
My mouth was open.
I was silent, but I was screaming on the inside, shaking and crying. I couldn’t stop myself. The horrifying memories came flooding back to me. I knew. I couldn’t help it but I knew.
I couldn’t ever join a girl team.
SECRETS REVEALED
I stared up at the ceiling of the tent, willing time to fly by. I wanted it to be morning already. I needed to find the boys.
How could I tell anyone about this?
I thought if I could stare at the tent fabric hard enough, my tears would eventually dry up. But the more tired I got, the harder it was to swallow them back.
I was going to fail Academy entry. I was fooling myself thinking I could make it work. If I tried to join the Academy, they might ask if I could work with other girls.
And I’d have to tell them why I couldn’t. The real truth. It could never happen.
I couldn’t. I was messed up. They wouldn’t want someone like me. Someone who couldn’t take a shower, and who couldn’t get a hug from girls without crying.
Fear washed over me. I was sure Mrs. Rose would show up in the morning, and she would tell me if I wanted in, I had to stay with Carla and the younger girls. She’d smile at me and said I had done a good job.
And then she’d see how much of a mess I was.
There was no way I could do it. Maybe the guys saving me had been a bad thing. Not that I wanted to think so, but now I was so used to them, that imagining going through this with anyone else was unbearable. They had broken down walls with me no one else would be able to get through. They could hug me. They could be around me in the bathroom.
I wanted them. I wanted to feel their strong arms around me and their assurances. I wanted to go back weeks ago when Dr. Green said I wasn’t ready, agree with him, and insist on not coming to the camp. I’d take it all back.
We’d been worried about nothing.
The Academy wouldn’t want a broken girl. They needed strong ones who could stand up against bad people.
Time passed, and when sleep wouldn’t come, I listened. Steady breathing from sleeping girls filled the air.
I rose, as silently as I could, with my heart pounding in my ears. I had no idea where I was going. All I knew was I needed out.
I thought about the guys, but I wasn’t ready to talk to them yet. I needed to stop crying, or I’d scare them.
If I couldn’t have the boys, I didn’t want to be around anyone at all. I wanted to be the old Sang Sorenson. Being invisible and alone to get control of my emotions once again. I’d tell them I changed my mind. I didn’t want to. I’d blame it on not wanting to break the team and was willing to be ignorant forever just to stay with them.
The floor of the tent crinkled, making it difficult to be quiet on, but I managed to slip into my boots and get to the door flap without waking anyone. Unzipping took forever, and when I was outside, I zipped it only halfway back.
The night was a little cool, but the heater was on and they all had warm sleeping bags. I didn’t want anyone to follow me now. They wouldn’t understand. They would think something was wrong with them. I didn’t want the younger girls to see how much of a mess I was and lose their confidence.
I took a long route to walk away from the tent quickly, escaping to the road. From there, I walked quietly, hoping the exercise and brisk air would exhaust the seemingly unending waves of tears that flowed out of me. I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself, so I avoided walking under the glow of any streetlights.
The chill cut through the soft long-sleeved T-shirt I wore, right through my skin, down into my bones.
I welcomed it. I wanted to be cold, to ease the feelings in my heart. I breathed in the cold air and scanned my surroundings, looking up at the sky, into the darkness.
Alone. For the first time all week, I didn’t have anyone around. I desired relief and expected it at first.
But the cold and being alone wasn’t helping. An overwhelming sense of dread about my team came over me. I was costly. I was creating problems for my team.
I was also second-guessing my own spot inside their team. They couldn’t afford me. Could any team afford me? Maybe even that was a problem.
Maybe Volto was right. Maybe going away was the better path. I didn’t have the same reasons, but I couldn’t help but think of Kota, and how he could possibly try to get back some favor points if he simply didn’t have me to worry about. The others had risked favors, just to kiss me.
With me gone, they could get those favors back.
I was halfway to a crossroads when I heard the sound of footsteps, possibly heading toward the latrines. I paused, listening, wondering who might be awake now. I had no idea what time it was, but I didn’t want to run into anyone.
With the help of the moonlight and a few of the streetlights, I found the footpath that weaved through the forest. I was pretty sure this was the one that led to the cabins, and eventually to the camper area, and then around to the boys’ tent.
I dashed into the path, willing to take the risk of being caught by the Academy council for being out late. It was fine to head to a latrine, wasn’t it? I could say I got turned around in the dark. Taylor had said as long as we were quiet, they didn’t mind.
Still, when I heard footsteps still behind me, I hurried, keeping my head down. I didn’t want to be caught out, just in case. Not like this. Not in the mess I was in.
When the main road was no longer visible, I paused, catching my breath. The shadows of evergreen trees had darkened my path, blocking the moonlight. I had to wait for my eyes to adjust a little, to even see the path ahead. I wondered if I wouldn’t be able to see once I got further in. If it got pitch black along the way...
The dirt path wove around trees, and at times blocked out the moonlight even more, making following it almost impossible. It came down to my feet, and moving slowly at times. I picked my way along the trail, thinking about tomorrow and what I was going to have to face.
Maybe I needed to simply go home, my old home, not Nathan’s house. My stepmother wasn’t there. Marie wouldn’t be happy, but the Academy couldn’t argue with me if I went back. I could transfer to a different school. The guys wouldn’t have to spend any more favors or money on me. I could handle it.
I turned the bend and ran into what at first I thought was a tree until I caught the scent of spring soap.
I was stunned, sure I was wrong, even as the scent lingered deep in my lungs, and the warm body in front of me leaned in.
I spoke through trembling lips. “Mr. Bla...”
“Not here,” he whispered. A hand closed around my wrist. I followed, letting him lead me away, through the trees and deeper into the woods.
The world was silent around us. I held his hand, my fingers nearly numb with cold but warmed quickly at his touch. I heard the swish of material, like a jacket, although I couldn’t see very well at all.
How he could see so well was beyond me.
We went a good ways into the shelter of trees before he stopped, releasing my wrist. He turned toward me, and in the quiet of the night, I felt those gray eyes boring into me, silently commanding me to tell him why I was out so late at night, alone. He would never approve of this or my reasons.
I wanted to explain, but as I stood breathing in his scent, I realized that even here, with him right in front of me, he was still a million miles away.
He’d dragged me this far because we could possibly get into trouble, right? Here I was, putting him at risk again, maybe at the
cost of a favor, or even being kicked out.
My voice cracked so much that I couldn’t even say his name.
My head dipped and my hands lifted to cover my face. Hiding the tears that I couldn’t stop, even for him. How could I ever explain?
“Miss Sorenson,” he said quietly.
“I can’t do it,” I said, sobbing into my palms. “I can’t do this.”
