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Please let this be for real. Please.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EVERYTHING FELT GOOD. Everything felt right.
It didn’t matter that the house was still organised chaos. It didn’t matter that he’d spent twenty minutes this morning trying to find one of Finn’s school shoes. All that mattered was that he finally felt as if things were on the right track with April.
He’d made a few more casual enquiries about jobs. It seemed that the GP track would be the most viable for him, and the more he considered it, the more interested he became. All the clinics that he’d ever done in settings overseas had been walk-ins. It meant he’d had to deal with a wide range of different issues—a bit like GPs did here. Sure, there had been a whole host of area-specific complications, but it wouldn’t be as big a jump as he’d first thought.
Finn had been so animated last night. He’d been so happy that April had watched him sing with the choir and when he’d finished she’d made a fuss of him. She hadn’t gone home with them last night, but they’d walked her back to her flat and she’d given them both a kiss on the cheek.
It might not have seemed like enough. But it was enough for right now.
He looked around the ward again. April hadn’t appeared yet today. He glanced at his watch. It was coming up to lunchtime. She must be at the other ward. He would go and find her and see if he could interest her in some lunch.
* * *
April hadn’t walked home last night—she’d glided. At least that was what it felt like. When she’d finally gone to bed she thought it was just nervous excitement that meant she couldn’t sleep. It didn’t take long to realise it was more than that.
For the last few weeks she’d had weird occasional grumblings in her stomach. Sometimes it felt like indigestion, leaving her feeling nauseous and sick. She was used to having painful periods. Her doctor had put her on the oral contraceptive pill to help reduce her risk of ovarian cancer and also to help with her painful periods. But the period pain had continued. But this type of pain felt different.
She’d shifted around in bed all night, finally getting up to take some painkillers, then getting up an hour later to try to drink some tea.
It hadn’t helped. She’d finally pulled on her uniform and gone into work as normal. But as the morning progressed, so did her pain.
John Burns had even commented on her colour as she worked with him. ‘Hope you’re not coming down with something. Last thing I need is a sickness bug. You’re a terrible colour.’
She’d made her excuses and left, going to the ladies’ bathroom and retching in the sink.
Her skin broke out in beads of sweat. But the beads of sweat were cold. She shivered as the pain swept through her abdomen again. She ran into the cubicle and sat down, bolting the door.
The sweating wouldn’t stop. She could feel it running between her shoulder blades. But it was the waves of pain that were worse.
She put her head against the side of the cubicle as she doubled over in pain. Horror swept through her. Her stomach felt rigid.
Mallory’s had been bloated. But she’d had a whole host of other symptoms. Unusual bleeding. Nausea. Pain in her abdomen, pelvis, back and legs. Indigestion. And a complete and utter feeling of exhaustion.
Now, she thought she might be sick again. Her stomach wasn’t bloated. She hadn’t had any strange bleeding, or pain in her back or legs. But she had felt nauseous a number of times over the last few weeks. There had also been niggling pains—nothing like today, of course.
But now she felt gripped with panic. She’d been so distracted these last few weeks. All because of Riley and Finn. They’d captured her attention. Made her less vigilant.
She’d had a few tiny thoughts when she’d felt the niggles of pain. But she’d been used to painful periods and just put it down to that. She hadn’t been tired, or bloated, so it had seemed over the top to start panicking.
But right now she’d never felt pain like it.
She should never have kissed Riley. She should never have started to feel attached to Finn. What if she was sick? Riley had enough to cope with, learning to be a father. Finn didn’t need someone to enter his life, then leave him alone again. He was just a kid. He didn’t deserve that. A hot, angry tear spilled down her cheek.
She pushed herself up and opened the cubicle door again.
This was a hospital. It might not have an accident and emergency department, but it had enough doctors that someone would be able to take a look at her.
She tried to straighten up, but her abdomen didn’t really agree.
Catching sight of herself in the mirror didn’t help. There were black circles under her eyes, only highlighted by the paleness of her skin.
She opened the door back into the corridor.
Riley was standing directly opposite, talking to someone in the corridor and showing them his phone. ‘The pictures are great—the house looks fabulous.’ The nurse smiled and gave him a nudge. ‘And big. I take it at some point you’ll be planning on using all those rooms?’
April froze and Riley gave a casual response. ‘Yeah...maybe.’
She already knew it was time to walk away. She didn’t want Riley and Finn to see her sick. But that? That was just the extra push that she needed.
Riley looked up. ‘Hey, there you are. I’ve been looking for you. Want to go and get some lunch?’
She shook her head and did her best to walk in the opposite direction. She didn’t even want to have this conversation. Her brain was so mixed up. Last night she’d been so happy. Things that had seemed out of her reach were right in front of her. She should have known it was too good to be true.
Why should she get to live the life that Mallory didn’t? They’d come into this world together—maybe they should have gone out of it together.
Her head was swimming. She couldn’t think straight. Irrational thoughts were filling her head.
‘Hey—’ Riley stepped in front of her ‘—is someth
ing wrong?’
He seemed to blur in her vision. His voice seemed far away, even though he was right in front of her. ‘Go away, Riley. Go away. This isn’t going to work. It was never going to work. I asked you to give me some space.’ She stopped. The wave of pain made her want to double over again.
‘April—’ this time his voice was directly in her ear ‘—April, what’s wrong?’
She shook her head. She couldn’t do this. If she was ill, she didn’t want Riley to feel as if he had to be around her. There was enough going on in his life. He didn’t need a sick girlfriend, and she couldn’t bear for him to see her the way her sister had ended up. A shadow of her former self, weak, emaciated, in constant pain and finally wishing her life away. It had broken April’s heart. It had broken her mum’s and dad’s hearts. She didn’t want him to stay with her out of duty or some kind of responsibility.
But, more importantly, she didn’t want him to stay with her out of love.
That would break her heart as much as his and Finn’s.
She had to walk away. She had to be strong and determined.
She pulled herself straight, willing herself to forget the waves of pain just for a few seconds.
‘I’m sorry, Riley. We should never have got involved. It was wrong of me. It was wrong of you. Finn needs your full attention.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I’m not sure if I could ever love someone else’s son the way I should.’ She hated those words. Every single one of them was a lie. But pushing Riley away now was so much more important than him feeling indebted to her when she finally got the diagnosis she was dreading.
Why hadn’t her last lot of bloods shown the CA125 antigen? Why hadn’t she acted sooner? Why had she wasted time?
Right now she was angry with herself. But she still cared about Riley and Finn. She didn’t want them to have to take this path with her.
Riley’s face was pale. ‘April, what on earth are you talking about? What’s changed between now and last night? Have I missed something?’
‘No,’ she answered abruptly. ‘But I have. Let’s just leave it. Let’s just not take things any further.’
