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She narrowed her gaze. ‘What about Finn?’
He sighed. ‘I haven’t had that conversation yet—the one about the funeral. And I was hoping you might help me do it.’
She sat back again. But Riley kept going. ‘I’m still taking baby steps here. I don’t want to do anything wrong. And I could ask my mother, but then—’ he shook his head ‘—that would just open the floodgates for her to bulldoze all over us.’
‘Has your mother met Finn yet?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m holding her at bay. I’ve told her the social worker advised to give him a few days to settle.’
She opened her mouth. ‘You what?’
He held up his hand. ‘You haven’t met my mother—yet. Don’t judge.’
She folded her arms across her chest. ‘What exactly is it you want me to do, Riley? I’m not sure I should be getting involved. This is really something you and Finn should work through together.’
‘I’m scared.’
He said the words right out of the blue.
And she couldn’t catch her breath.
‘What if I make a mess of this, April? Do I say Finn’s too young to be at a funeral and everything should go on without him, or do I insist he attends when he really isn’t ready for it? Do I ask him what he wants to do? At five, how can he even know?’
Anguish and pain were written all over his face. She understood. What had happened on the ward today had just helped open the door for him. He wasn’t grieving for Isabel. He was grieving for his son.
‘I get that you’re scared, Riley. But this is your son. I think you need to have this conversation with him.’
He didn’t look any better. He turned a shortbread tree over and over in his hands before finally looking up through dark lashes and meeting her gaze. ‘He’s been asking for you.’
‘What?’
‘Finn. He’s asked where you were. I think because we brought him back together he’s expected to see you again.’
She gulped. The kid was five. He was confused. It wasn’t such a strange thought to have. ‘I don’t want to give him any mixed messages.’
‘What mixed messages? Aren’t we friends, April?’
She didn’t speak. Her brain was flooded with memories of her hands against his chest, his forehead next to hers. All things she didn’t need to remember. But they were annoying; they seemed to have seared their way into her brain and cemented themselves there.
She locked gazes with Riley. He’d asked if they were friends.
No. They weren’t. Being around Riley was making her feel things she didn’t want to. Didn’t need to. Life was hard right now. She was clear about her decision. She knew what her next steps would be. Getting involved with anyone would confuse things. They might want to talk. They might have an opinion. Somehow, already, she knew Riley would have an opinion. And she wasn’t ready for any of that. After Christmas her ovaries and fallopian tubes would be removed. It wasn’t a complete and utter guarantee that she would remain cancer-free, but when the odds were against her it was as good as it could be.
The image of Finn’s face clouded her thoughts. He was so like Riley.
It still made her ache. She was trying to stay so strong. But being around a kid as adorable as Finn had made all those children she would never have suddenly feel so real. All those grandkids her mum and dad would never have to entertain. She couldn’t help but pine for the life that would never be hers. She stared down at the shortbread Christmas tree. And Christmas made it seem just that little bit harder—because Christmas should be all about family.
She sucked in a breath. How dare she feel sorry for herself right now? The person she should be thinking about was Finn.
She met Riley’s gaze. Somehow he knew just when to keep quiet.
She took a deep breath. ‘I’ll come over tomorrow. I still haven’t arranged the flowers. I’ll ask Finn if he knows what his mum’s favourites were. Maybe if he can help pick something it will help that conversation get started.’ She pointed to the pile of paperwork. ‘The minister at the church is pretty modern. I told him I’d get back to him about music. If there is a particular song that Finn likes, maybe that’s the one to use? I asked Isabel’s friends. But they all had different ideas.’
Riley nodded. ‘Thank you. I mean that.’
She gave him a smile. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Is it? Until a few days ago we’d never really had a proper conversation. You always seemed to avoid me. When I saw you come into the pub the other night I thought...’ His voice tailed off.
‘You thought what?’
He shrugged. ‘I thought you might actually have come in to have a farewell drink. I thought you might have found it in your heart to be nice to me for five minutes.’
He was teasing her. She knew that. But his words seemed to strike a bit of a nerve. She had the feeling some of it might come from a little deeper.
And there was that little twisting feeling again. He might as well sell corkscrews from the way his words, his looks and his touch affected her.
‘I like to keep focused at work. These patients, they’ve been through enough. They need our full attention. They deserve it.’
He shook his head. ‘Oh, no. Don’t give me that. You engage perfectly with all the patients. It’s only me that gets the cold shoulder; don’t think I didn’t notice.’
There was a surge of heat into her cheeks. ‘Maybe you’re just hard to be around, Riley?’
She knew it was a deflection, and as he folded his arms and narrowed his gaze she also knew he wasn’t about to let her off.
‘So what is it? Why no chat? Why no friendly banter? You seem to do it enough with the patients.’
‘Maybe I just don’t like to mix work with pleasure.’
As soon as the words left her mouth she realised her mistake.
His eyes gleamed. ‘Oh, so I could be pleasure, could I?’
She shook her head and waved her hand. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Anyway, you servicemen, you come and go so often. You were only supposed to be covering for four weeks. It’s exhausting having to befriend new staff all the time. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy.’
His grin had spread from one ear to the other. It was clear he wasn’t listening any more. ‘So I’m exhausting, am I? I kinda like that.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
He nodded firmly. ‘You did.’
She sighed in exasperation. ‘It’s not all about you, Riley.’
She didn’t mean it quite to come out like that. But if he heard he didn’t react badly. The smile was still plastered across his face. He must have thought she was joking with him.
If only that were true. Her heart gave a little squeeze.
/> If only she could have a different life. If only she could have a different gene pool. But that would mean that she and Mallory would never have existed—and she wouldn’t have spent more than twenty years with a sister she’d both hated at times and adored. Sisterly love could never really be matched. And the bottom line was: she couldn’t change her genes. She just had to find a way to manage her risk. For her, right now, that meant finding a way to live her life. She swallowed the huge lump in her throat. No matter what little strings were tugging at her heart right now, it was best to ignore them. Best to stay focused on what she could manage.
He glanced at his watch. ‘I’m sorry to cut and run but I need to go and get Finn. I don’t want to be late.’ He pulled his jacket from the back of the chair. ‘Thank you for your help with Finn. I mean it.’ Then he gave her a cheeky wink. ‘But it looks like I’m here to stay. Better get used to having me around.’
He disappeared out of the door into the snow as her heart gave a lurch.
Riley Callaghan here on a permanent basis.
This could be trouble.
CHAPTER FOUR
IN A WAY, the funeral went so much better than he ever could have expected.
The horrible conversation with Finn had turned out much easier than he could have hoped for. When April had come over to chat to Finn about flowers, Finn had asked outright if she would come to the funeral too.
It seemed that the thought of not being there hadn’t even occurred to Finn.
Isabel’s friends and workmates turned out in force. They all wore bright colours and sang along to the pop song that Finn had picked for his mum.
He was thankful they’d all attended. The decision to bury Isabel here instead of Birmingham had been a difficult one. But Riley and Finn would be the ones who tended her grave, and he didn’t want to have to travel every time Finn wanted to visit.
