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“Benny … ? Can I ask you a question and get a real answer?”
Depends on the question, thought Benny. There were some questions he’d rather throw himself off the roof than answer.
“Sure.”
“Is he right? If Tom wasn’t going to go, if it was just Lilah and me … would you go?”
“Without Tom?”
“Yes.”
He settled back and looked at the clouds for almost a minute before he answered. It was a good question. The crucial question, and he’d wrestled with it and chewed on it since they’d seen the jet last year. Did he want to go?
Benny weighed his feelings very carefully. The answer was not a thing he could just reach inside and grab. It was buried deep, hidden in the soil of his subconscious and his needs and desires. On some level he knew that he needed to know who he was before he could rationally and accurately answer that question, and since last September he had been constantly trying to explore who he was. Especially in terms of who he was at this moment. If he didn’t know who he was now, how could he know who he would be out there in the Ruin? What if he wasn’t up to the challenge? What if after being out there he realized that he preferred the comforts of Mountainside? What if he wasn’t a crusader for change after all?
Ugly, troublesome questions, and he had no real answers at all.
The ugliest part was that the one thing he was sure of was that he could find those answers only out in the Ruin. For good or ill.
“Yes,” he said eventually. “Yes … I’d go with you no matter what.”
Nix smiled and took his hand. “I believe you.” She added, “If you’d answered right away
I would have known you were lying. Telling me what I wanted to hear. I’m glad you respect me enough to think it through.”
He said nothing, but he squeezed her hand.
“Benny?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you scared?”
“About tomorrow? Yeah,” he said, “I’m freaking terrified.”
“Me too.” After a moment she said, “It’s so big, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Leaving everything behind. Everyone we know.”
“Yeah.”
Five minutes rolled by, and the last of the clouds melted into endless blue. A lone hawk floated high above them.
Nix said, “I want to ask you one more thing.”
He tensed, but said, “Okay.”
Nix took his face in both of her hands. “Do you love me, Benny?”
Those five words sucked all the air out of planet Earth and left Benny gasping like a trout. His eyes wanted to look left and right to see if there was a way out of this. Maybe he could jump off the roof. Even with everything that had happened since last year, he had never worked up the courage to tell her that he loved her, and she had never even gone within pistol shot of the L word. And now she wanted him to come right out and say it. Not in some romantic moment, not while holding hands as they walked through spring flowers, or while snuggled together watching the sunset. Right here, right now, on his porch roof, with all the exits and doorways to a cowardly retreat nailed shut.
Her eyes were filled with green mystery and … and what? Challenge? Was this a test that was going to get him fried when he gave the wrong answer? Nix was devious and complicated enough for that sort of thing. Benny had grown up with her; he knew.
That wasn’t it, though, and on some level he knew it.
No, when he tried to put a label on what he saw in her eyes, the one that seemed to fit best … was hope.
