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All of my feelings have been about Cass.
My best friend’s fiancée.
I wish it was still Jo keeping me awake at night. The pain of losing her was shit, even after so long, but at least it was familiar. These new feelings are a different kind altogether, and I hate them. I can push them aside during the day, ploughing myself into work, or G.A.T.A. campaigning. It’s when I’m in bed at night that it truly hits me, with Cass’s laugh and her smile in my mind.
That doesn’t matter, though. All that matters is raising my champagne glass and congratulating my best friend on his incredible news.
I send Ant a picture of us all together, raising a toast to him and his bride-to-be, and expect a thank you message in return. It’s when I see the incoming video call that my stomach gives a fresh lurch. Joy and sickness both at once.
I click accept and the couple’s happy faces greet me. Cass is glowing, and she looks absolutely beautiful as she waves.
“Congratulations,” I say, hoping my grin lives up to the one they expect from me, because I want to give them the respect they deserve. Fuck what my emotions have to say about it.
We all give another Ant and Cass cheer, and then the crowd disperses, all set for another round of drinks. I head out for a cigarette with the call still open, getting space enough to talk to the happy couple as I light up on the balcony.
It’s Cass who speaks first.
“I can’t wait to see you!” she says. “Can you believe it, Gerwyn? I’m going to be Mrs Bradstone!”
“Oh, I can believe it.” I smile at them. “Ant would be crazy not to propose, and he knows it.”
“I sure do,” Ant says, and kisses her cheek.
I get that damn lurch in my stomach again when she grins up at him like he’s king of her world.
“We’re off to Bucklebury tomorrow,” she tells me, and I nod with a that’s nice, even though I already know that. Ant has filled me in on all his plans.
Or so I think.
“Cass is ready to be Mrs Bradstone full-time,” he says with pride. “She’s quit her job at Wedding Bliss.”
I take a decent drag of my cigarette as I figure what to say to that, because it’s quite a shocker. It’s her I look at onscreen, watching her expression as she smiles back at me.
“That’s quite a decision,” I say. “That must have taken some thought.”
“Nah,” Ant replies, speaking for her. “We both knew what the road ahead was. Sooner or later she’d be quitting work to be with me, so it made sense, didn’t it, baby?”
I watch her intently, wishing I was there in person so I could get a true feel of her reaction, because it seems so weird to me, despite the fact she’s nodding and grinning along with him.
Something feels off, even under the glow of her excitement, but I’m probably imagining it. It’s probably nothing but the emotions in my gut on overdrive.
“Yeah,” she says with a shrug. “It was inevitable really, wasn’t it?”
It’s the way she looks at me that gives my emotions a fresh lurch, because it’s not just happiness grinning over at me. She’s waiting for my reaction. She actually wants my confirmation to the question that should be rhetorical. But I won’t give it to her. That’s up to her and her alone to decide, not Ant, and definitely not me.
“Of course it was inevitable, baby,” Ant fills in.
I hate that. How he speaks over her. Speaks for her. I’ve seen how passionate about her career she is. I’ve seen her light up about the brides-to-be she works with and all the incredible projects she has on the go along with Janie. It should be her gushing brightly and telling me how excited she is about handing in her resignation. Not Ant.
I push it all aside as I give them a fresh smile.
“Congratulations,” I say to her, making sure my response is generic and not on her resignation.
“Thanks,” she replies, but then she looks away from me, not wanting to meet my eyes. She changes the topic away from her career in a flash. “I’m going to be Mrs Bradstone. I’m so lucky.”
I’m still grinning along with them, but I get a niggle of something down deep, seeing how tightly he grips her shoulder.
“I’m so happy for you both on your engagement,” I say again. “I can’t wait to celebrate in person.”
Cass’s smile lights up at that. “I can’t wait, either! I was thinking maybe we could all get together. Me, Ant, you and Janie?”
“Sounds great to me.”
Jesus, she looks so happy at that, and it makes the lurch in my stomach even more sickening. She still thinks there’s a chance I’m going to fall in love with her best friend. But why shouldn’t there be? Janie is lovely. A real gem. Fun, and kind, and bubbly. Not to mention the fact that she’s well aware of G.A.T.A. and the importance of what we stand for. But no. It’ll never be.
