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She was the most beautiful women I ever saw.
Her laugh at my silly joke, was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.
Just sitting here with her I realized I was head over heels for her. I'd never felt this way about anyone before. Being beside her made me want to be a better person. I wanted to be the best version of myself, for her. Even if she didn't feel the same way.
"We need to talk," I said, even though nothing good ever came from a sentence that started with those words.
"I have work to do—" She pulled her laptop out further.
I leaned over and put a hand on hers. "We have twenty-two hours of traveling ahead of us. Lots of time to get work done. Don't you think it's past time we talked?"
"I don't think there's anything to say." In spite of that, she pushed her laptop back into the bag and closed it. "We're two very different people, with different goals and different futures. We came together for one night." She rolled her eyes at me when I grinned at her choice of words.
"You know what I mean," she said. "It was a night of fun and that's all. For a while I thought maybe there could be more to it, but I realized I was wrong. I'm sorry if I made you believe we had a chance together. I'm not usually so spontaneous and now I know why. It doesn't end well."
Her words might have hurt me if I believed any of them. Okay, I believed the coming together part, because I was there. The rest of it, I didn't know if she was trying to convince me or herself. I hoped it didn't work on her because it certainly didn't work on me. The question was, why was she trying to convince anyone?
"It was way more than a night of fun," I said. "I know you're scared and I haven't given you much reason not to be." I scratched the back of my head. "I've never been good at talking about my feelings. On the other hand, I've never really had to. No one has ever made me feel the way you do."
I took a moment to gather my thoughts.
"When you said you were scared to get involved because you didn't want me to feel like I needed to stay when I wanted to go, I freaked out a little bit." I put a hand on hers when she started to speak. I needed to get this off my chest first.
"I didn't freak out because I felt trapped or because I was worried that I might feel trapped. I freaked out because I don't want to hurt you."
"I understand," she said softly.
It took me a moment to realize she thought I'd put off telling her I didn't want to be with her.
"No." I shook my head. "I don't think you do." I breathed out harshly in frustration. "I'm not doing a good job at explaining."
I took a deep breath and tried again.
"I gave it a lot of thought. When it comes down to it, I didn't want to have any doubts. The only thing having those would do is end up hurting you. You deserve someone who is one hundred percent ready to jump right in."
"And that's not you?" she asked. "It's okay, I really do understand. Like I said, I thought maybe there was something between us but there isn't."
I stopped then and frowned. Maybe she did believe it. Was I reading something into this that wasn't there? I could be blinded by my own feelings for her. I wanted her to want me too. I felt like I was balancing on a tight rope. I didn't want her to feel trapped by my feelings, but at the same time I needed her to know how I felt.
I still held my coffee in my hand and I took a sip now. It was terrible, but it gave me a moment more to think.
"If you don't think we have a future," I said slowly, "then we don't. But I don't think you were wrong. I think there's a connection between us. A strong one. Being together might be difficult at times, with us being so busy. A lot of times we'll travel to different places and be on different tours. Or not on tour at all. But I think we have something if both of us wanted to try."
She swallowed visibly.
I held my breath. I didn't know until that moment how deep my feelings for her went. How much I wanted her to tell me she wanted to try. How much it was going to sting like hell if she said she didn't. Of course, I would have to take that with grace. We still had to work together and I didn't want to make things difficult for her. I would respect whatever she wanted.
Please want me.
She looked me right in the eyes and I felt like I could see right down to her heart and soul. In that moment, I knew she wanted, and needed the same things I did. I knew her heart and my heart were connected. Even if her next words were a rejection, we would have that connection forever.
But something was holding her back.
I remembered my conversation with Jude, but I wasn't ready to confront her with that yet. Partly because I wanted her to tell me if she was pregnant, when she was ready. But mostly, because I wanted her to know I wanted to be with her. Not because there might be a baby involved. She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, children or not. If she was pregnant, we would deal with that next.
"It's okay if you're still scared," I said gently. "If you still want to take some time to think, or to get used to the idea. Take as long as you need. I just wanted you to know that I'm all in when you're ready. If you're ready." I squeezed her hand. "I should have brought you coffee." Things might have been easier than.
She swallowed again, but this time it wasn't a nervous reflex. She looked like she was trying to keep herself from being sick.
