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He knows the kind of pull this place has on me. It’s not just obligation, it’s love, it’s familiarity, family, and all of the history wrapped into this home.
“This is an incredible opportunity.”
I pick at the loose wood on the fence.
“But,” he says.
“I’ve always been in love with photography, but I wanted to tell stories, make a difference.”
“And you don’t think this job will give you that?” he asks.
“It will be great to get more experience.”
I keep thinking about what Grandma Jo said to me when I first came back home,you had a goal to do photo journalism, not take pictures of musicians.
“Did I ever tell you I joined the Air Force?” he asks.
I never knew he was in the military. “No.”
“Well, I didn’t actually join, but I tried,” he says. “My dad, your great grandpa, was angry with me.”
“It was before the US involvement in Vietnam, but there were rumblings. No one knew at that time what would transpire and I imagine he was worried about me, but he also wanted me to stay here and help with the ranch.”
“I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life,” he admits stoically, “but I knew I wanted to see the world. My friend, Les, and I, went to the recruiting office, filled out all of the paperwork… but when we did our physicals, they found a heart murmur that had gone undetected my whole life.”
Grandpa John has always been immortal to me, like nothing could put him down, but I do know that one day he won’t be here anymore, and then what will happen to this place?
“I was devastated. Les got in, but I had to stay behind.” A shadow passes over his face and he adjusts his hat. “Shortly after he enlisted, Les was on a cargo plane that got shot down.” He pauses as if he’s trying to school his emotions, even after all this time. “I got a knock on my door that day.” He points to the house. “His fiancée, beautiful girl, was standing on the threshold, tears in her eyes, could barely get out the news. She said she wanted to tell me in person that Les had died.”
“I’m so sorry about your friend; that must have been devastating.”
He nods and turns to me.
“My point is,” he pauses, “sometimes life throws you curveballs, but that doesn’t mean that the next great thing isn’t around the corner.”
He places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. “Sasha, this place isn’t going anywhere, and you can always come home.”
I feel tears prick at my eyes. This place was here when I left for college and it was here for me when I came back. It will be here for me wherever life takes me.
“But you never got to see the world,” I say, feeling heartbroken for him. “You had to stay here on this ranch doing something you didn’t really want to do.”
He shakes his head. “I was a cocky eighteen-year-old kid back then. I thought there was more to the world than this place.” Scraping the dirt off his boot on the fence, he says, “I didn’t know it then, but this is where I was meant to be. And as for not getting to see the world, I’d give that up all over again to be right here with your grandma.”
Is the pull I have to this place misguided because I’m afraid to give it up? Or am I becoming attached for another reason?
“I don’t know what I want,” I admit to him.
“You’re young, you’re not supposed to,” he chuckles softly. “But you’ll figure it out.”
“Did you keep in touch with your friend’s fiancée?” I ask.
“Sure did, and she’s standing in that kitchen, upset because breakfast is getting cold.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and steers me towards the house.
* * *
I havethe day off work and there are some things I need to get ready for my interview, mainly putting together a portfolio that I can show them. I drop the needle on a record. The music flows from the speakers, the scratchy sound skipping and then settling into the wild chaos of anINXSsong, one of Cash’s favorites. I have always loved music, the way it can transport you to a time and place, make you feel things, move you, but it is nothing compared to photography.
Lying on my stomach, I kick my feet up and cross them at the ankle, lazily swinging them back and forth as I open my laptop. Connecting my camera, I download the most recent photos.
