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My feet are draggingas I make my way through the house and up to my room. It’s been a long week and all I want to do right now is lay down on my comfy bed and sleep for as long as Alec will let me. It probably won’t be very long, since I have no doubt that he’ll call a meeting first thing in the morning. Usually he assigns me jobs to go to straight from these trips, but he didn’t have anything lined up for me this time. I prefer having a job to go straight to, it gives me a chance to detox after the emotions these visits all bring up. It’s not that I don’t like going, I do. But they’re not easy.
“Hey.” I turn around to find Tanner walking out of the meeting room, which basically doubles as his office when we’re not all in it. “You just getting in?”
“Yeah, traffic was kind of a bitch.”
“Gotta love that Saturday night city traffic, huh?” Tanner chuckles but there’s no humor in it whatsoever.
“Oh yeah, it’s the best.”
“So,” he says a bit more somberly, and I know what’s coming. “How is she?”
“Do you want the answer the nurses give me, or the truth?” I know he genuinely cares. Him, Alec, and Wyatt are the only three people who know the truth about everything in my life and all three of them genuinely give a fuck. It’s why they helped me. It’s why Alec was quick to take me in and help me.
“Do you think they’re doing all they can? Or should we find somewhere new? Maybe somewhere closer?” It’s something I’ve thought about more than once. I think about it at least once a year, but usually more. The reason I never act on it though, is because it won’t matter.
“No, it’s fine. There’s really only so much they can do, anyways.” Tanner eyes me for a moment before nodding his head a couple of times.
“Alright, well you know that all you have to do is say the word.” His words have a feeling of warmth flooding my chest. No matter how fucked up my life was until I found Dark Matter Security, finding them came exactly when it needed to. This is what a true chosen family looks like. Not the fucked-up mess I come from.
“Thanks man. I appreciate it.”
“I know you do.” He doesn’t carry on the conversation. He just claps me on my shoulder as he walks by and heads to his own room and I move down the hall to mine.
I head straight into the shower, washing off the stench of polluted, traffic-filled air and everything else clinging to me from this week. Once I’m dried off and dressed in a pair of sweats, I do the same thing I always do after these visits. I sit on the edge of my bed and reach into the bottom drawer of my nightstand and pull out the old, rickety frame. I don’t even recognize the people in the picture anymore. The young boy couldn’t be more different than the man I am now. This boy was young and innocent, so full of life with a promising future. I don’t even remember when exactly he disappeared. Maybe it was the day they took me. Maybe it was the day I realized what my life had truly become. I don’t know. My eyes arrow in on the woman whose lap I’m sitting on in the picture. If it weren’t for this photo, I wouldn’t even know that she’s capable of a smile like this. I sure as hell haven’t seen it in recent years. And the man, I haven’t seen him since the day they took us. I don’t know where he is. I don’t even know if he’s still alive. I could find him. Probably easily. I know his name, I know where we once lived. But I just haven’t been able to get myself to do it. I could ask Tanner and I know he wouldn’t hesitate to say yes. But I just haven’t done it. I don’t know if I ever will.
I blow out a long-winded breath and slide the frame back into my bottom drawer. I only look at it once or twice a year, but I need these glances. These small reminders of what used to be. The reminders that my life wasn’t always like this. Not that it matters, because this is my life. This is who I am now, who they made me into.
I’m a killer.
