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“Then we can have a spectacular breakup in Boston.” I yawn, turning my head. He’s looking at me in the darkness, his body a stretch of black in the low light. “It’d be an adventure.”
“You’d move across the country for an adventure?”
“I don’t have anything else,” I say, thinking back to my life. “I haven’t had anything, if I’m honest with myself. What’s the point of drifting along, barely making ends meet? I can do that forever. Stay comfortable and safe. Or I can take a risk with you.”
“I’m a risk now?” he murmurs. I can hear the smile on his lips. “What do you want, Fiona? I mean, with your life. With everything.”
“I don’t know,” I admit. The idea of having a goal seems so foreign. “I’ve never reallywantedanything. I’ve been trying to tread water all this time, just trying to survive. It’s hard to think past a few days when it feels like you could drown at any second.”
“But something changed,” he pushes.
“You came along and fucked everything up,” I say, staring at the ceiling. “And Orin keeps talking about family. That’s got me thinking about the future, you know? About having kids. About building something more than myself. That doesn’t sound so bad. I know it would be hard, but I’ve always wanted a family.”
“It’d definitely be something to do,” he says.
“I know you’re joking, but I’m serious. Itwouldbe something to do. What else is there? Why not have babies? Raise them right? I could do a better job than my parents did. I wouldn’t turn into a swinging sex freak, for one.”
“What if I asked you to?” he whispers, his lips surprisingly close to my neck. I shiver, but don’t flinch away.
“I’d tell you to move to Florida by your own damn self then if you want to swing so badly.” He chuckles quietly and kisses my chin. I suck in an excited breath. “What was that for?” I ask.
“Something for you to dream about. Go to sleep, you’re exhausted.”
I close my eyes again. Heaviness pushes me down into the mattress. “I’m a little drunk, I spent a lot of time in the sun, and I had one of the best orgasms of my life. Yes, I am one tired girl.”
“Oneof the best?”
“The best. Be quiet now. Sleep time.”
Another kiss. This time on my neck. “Goodnight.”
God, why does he do this to me? “Goodnight,” I say and roll over.
Thinking about babies, and moving to Boston, and kisses in the dark.
Chapter25
Fiona
Istretch out in the sun, my skin doused in sunscreen. Orin’s in the ocean, swimming with Molly. The pair of them are laughing as they bob and duck waves, splashing each other like children. I find it hard to imagine they’re actually hardened gangsters like Gareth claims.
There’s something so innocent about their relationship. Even when Molly’s teasing him and Orin’s acting all grumpy, they clearly love each other. They’ve been married for so long, but they’re still happy. Can people really keep love going like that?
I always imagined my parents started swinging out of desperation. They’re unhappy in their marriage, but unwilling to end it. I can’t picture getting divorced after being with someone for twenty, thirty, forty years. The idea of waking up one day far from now, far in the future, miserable, ready to walk away from the only world I’ve ever known, it scares the hell out of me. How can I know I’ll still be in love at sixty?
But it’s possible. Molly and Orin are doing it, or at least they seem like they are. Despite Orin’s deadly job, they’re happy together.
It’s almost… hopeful. In some weird way.
My husband sits down in a chair beside me, feet digging into the sand. “Did I ever tell you that I never saw the ocean until I was in college?” he says when he catches me look over. He tilts his sunglasses down.
I frown, shaking my head. “I didn’t know that.”
“Parents never bothered taking us. They said it was too far. We didn’t have the money. Mom couldn’t get time off work. Dad was between jobs. A million excuses. I was always jealous of coastal people. The ocean right there within driving distance. Mostly I was jealous of people with functioning parents.”
“My parents took us on a cruise one year. I saw plenty of beaches then.” I tilt my head, studying him. “What was it like growing up? Were you happy as a kid?”
He shrugs. “Happy enough. I think I mentioned my dad was a drinker. He wasn’t a bad drunk, not abusive or anything, but he had trouble holding jobs long-term. He’d eventually get caught with a bottle in his desk or under the seat of his truck. Which meant Mom always had to work, and when I was old enough, I started picking up shifts at an ice cream store.”
